Last week my life as a tennis Mom kicked into full speed when my oldest son Luke tried out for the high school tennis team and as a freshman made Varsity.  First year out with only a half a dozen tournaments behind him and now his life is tennis.   Am I guilty of bragging here on my blog?  You could say that of course - but you could also say I’m just stating the facts and if you keep reading I hope you’ll see the point. 

So far being a tennis Mom hasn’t been too demanding since I’m not good enough to be my son’s hitting partner.  My job is making sure the proper pre-match meals are prepared, the shoes and clothing are just right, the tennis bag is stocked with snacks and water, the “Team Luke” fans have been notified of the match whereabouts, and that I have a great spot for cheering the boy on. 

For the hitting partner the job is much tougher and my son is very fortunate to have an accomplished tennis player as not only his hitting partner but his father.  Before I go any farther I need to say that my son is blessed to have a Dad that was patient enough to feed him balls out on the tennis courts for a lot of years before it all started coming together for Luke.  He’s not a natural born athlete and has had a lot of developmental issues to overcome but his Dad believed it was possible and Luke was motivated so they both hung in there.  Clearly, it’s paid off.

What occurred to me this week as I was driving Luke back and forth to all of his challenge matches and practices was that this is going to get harder for all of us who care about him because this is a kid with a big dream.  Today when Luke was given his travel bag by his coach it had a bag tag on it with the name of the number one player on the team last year.  Luke was so excited about this and commented to me that, while it might sound silly, he hoped it was a good sign that maybe someday he would be the number one player on the team.  I didn’t think it was silly but it was bittersweet to hear. 

What’s hard about this for me as a mother is that great dreams typically come about through great sacrifice and great suffering.  Luke, like all of us, will have to endure and learn from many losses before his dream becomes a reality. 

Winning doesn’t teach us nearly as much as losing.  I don’t like this for Luke and I don’t like it for myself.  I want my kid to win and when he loses a part of my heart just aches for him even if he didn’t play well or wasn’t the best sport.  I hate the disappointment because I understand all too well the desire everyone has to be successful. 

Success doesn’t teach us as much as loss though and so what I’m preparing for as a tennis Mom is how to help him work through his losses.  As I’ve been thinking about this and meditating on some of my own losses what I’m realizing is how incredibly impatient I am. 

This is where my son and I are a lot alike and maybe you are like us too?  My problem isn’t that I don’t have a dream to pursue it’s that I’m impatient.  I don’t value the process of pursuing the dream as much as I value living the dream.  Can you relate?  It is really hard for me to be thankful for any loss along the way and yet if I take the time to think about those losses in my life I can see how much they have taught me.  If I make that list I know it is longer than the list of things success has taught me. 

I don’t enjoy this thought but here’s what I believe to be true - sometimes the life God dreams for us takes a lifetime to come to pass.  When I look at the scriptures I see this over and over in the lives of many Godly people.  The hopes and dreams that God inspired in their lives took years and years to accomplish. (Abraham, Moses, Joseph, Hannah, Peter, Paul, and more….)

I think this is exactly what stops so many of us older folks from dreaming and where my son has the advantage.  He’s young and hasn’t experienced enough defeat to give up and so he still believes in his dreams.  It’s sweet and wonderful and none of the adults in his life discourage him but I would venture to guess that most of those adults have sadly given up on some of their hopes and dreams.

We’ve given up because loss is hard.  It hurts and can cost us time, money, relationships, and our pride.  When those losses exceed our tolerance level we let go and the dream is lost.  We give up believing the dream isn’t worth the price we will have to pay.   

I don’t know if being number one on the tennis team is the right dream for Luke but it’s great practice for him to have a dream, pursue it, learn from the losses, and see how  and God has shaped him and what God intends for him.  In that process he’ll discover other hopes and dreams and hopefully come to learn that any dream worth having is worth fighting for.  Success doesn’t always come quickly or easily and so you must not give up.  All things are possible for those who believe and are called according to Christ Jesus! 

I barely watch television which is why I know so little about so many things.  It’s the Olympics though and so I have to tune in.  I’m a sucker for the whole thing.  Last night I actually got choked up when a Visa ad narrated by Morgan Freeman aired right after Michael Phelps won his 11^th gold medal.  Since I do read the newspaper I know that last week Morgan Freeman was in a car accident and was hospitalized so it’s safe to say this ad was made a long time ago. 

Am I the only one that would like to think the ad was actually made right after the medal was won?  That would make it so much more poignant. Oh but that’s not the case and so like always you have to sift through all of the commercialization of the Olympics and focus on just the sport. 

It’s hard to do because the competition is squeezed in between all the advertisements, special features, commentary, and overall hype.  Last night I just wanted to see Michael Phelps swim but instead I got Mary Carillo doing a feature on Panda bears and tonight it’s all the unusual foods the Chinese eat.  Groan!  Minute for minute it’s safe to say you see more hype than sport.  Still, if you hang in there you can savor athleticism at its best.   Tonight I’m watching synchronized diving and I’m just amazed.  I couldn’t do a synchronized belly flop if my life depended on it. 

What does that have to do with my blog you ask?  Here’s my thought.  In any given day I probably spend more time with a bunch of really stupid stuff but if I hang in there long enough and don’t give up I get a few minutes where I’m just in the groove.  It’s an Olympic moment where I feel like I’m really living my life in sync with God.  I can see, feel, sense and know His powerful presence in my life and it’s like I’m standing on the medal podium getting the gold.  I’m doing what He wants, when He wants it, and things are happening. 

I can’t compare myself as a Christian to an Olympic athlete, by any means, but something I do have in common with every Olympian is that I can’t re-live those medal moments.  For that reason what I’m learning at this point in my life is to savor them - to stand there in that moment and soak it in. To say to myself this may never happen again but right now I actually do feel, sense, and know the powerful presence of God in my life.   I’ve prepared for it, sought it, and now I’m working within it and it’s a beautiful thing.

Where I think I am like an Olympic athlete is that I know you have to believe medal moments are possible or you will never stand on the podium.  With that said, do you?  Do you believe that you can at times feel the powerful presence of God in your life and be in sync with His will for it? Do you believe in His equipping power?  Do you believe that He can do a good work in and through you?  I hope so because those are truly golden moments. 

“Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you – even Jesus.”  Acts 3:19-20

It’s hard to give up certain “stuff” in your life.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot this summer as I’m picking out fruit at the Farmer’s Market.  Seems like a silly place to think about getting rid of some of the sin in my life.  What prompts it for me is one of the verses I’ve been meditating on daily, “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” 

John the Baptist rebuked the hypocritical religious leaders of his day with this phrase.  John was a man who lived differently than the rest to demonstrate what he believed.  It wasn’t an easy thing to do then and it’s not easy now.

As I’ve been looking at my life this summer I’ve been asking myself where am I producing fruit and where am I not?  In those areas where I’m not do I have some repenting to do?  Am I stuck in a pattern of behavior that is sinful and needs to change?  Is it sin I can see or is it hidden even from my own introspection?  Am I in denial about the need to change something simply because admitting its wrong would be as painful as changing?

I also think about my life as a Christian and ask myself, “Am I like John the Baptist?”  Can I say that I’m part of a counter culture like John could?  Have I accepted cultural standards as my standards versus God’s standards?

Certainly I think these are all questions worthy of asking oneself but it’s possible you won’t get very far.  The enemy is the father of all lies and so he uses deceit as his front line attack.  The scriptures say that “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?”  (Jeremiah 17:9)

Our hearts are inclined toward sin and so it doesn’t take much to deceive us.  The enemy doesn’t have to work overtime.  We do though and I think this is the key.  If you look at your life and feel like you are absolutely worn out and feel like you need refreshing chances are you’ve got some stuff going on in your life that you need to get rid of.  If you take a look at what is absolutely wearing you out you will probably find something that you need to repent of. 

For me what I’ve realized is so incredibly fatiguing is my pride.  I’m not talking about the pride that is defined as thinking oneself superior to others.  I’m talking about the pride that speaks to your self-worth.  It is the correct level of respect for your basic human dignity.  There is some pride that is legitimate.  Still it isn’t easy to admit I struggle with pride because to do so admits that my self-worth is not exactly intact. 

This is very difficult for me.  I don’t want to be prideful but I have this sense of justice that on the one hand is a good thing and on the other hand is a bad thing.  Most of us struggle with this because it’s a part of our God consciousness.  Wanting the world put to rights is part of our wiring.  It is why a just God makes sense to us.  It’s actually part of why in the world today you see a lot of people who want their proper respect.  Isn’t that really saying you want justice?  You want what is right and it is right to treat people with respect and integrity. 

Maybe you’re like me and when you’re pride has been wounded it hurts and the way you get through the hurt is to fight back.  You do this in all sorts of ways.  You might come out swinging and let it be known that you’ve been hurt or you might passively aggressively act out.  Play nice on the surface but behave badly in a very sly way.  You can withdraw completely and harbor a grudge.   You can also pretend nothing is bothering you which is a lie.  For as many ways that our pride can be hurt we have ways to deal with it. 

It’s tiring to constantly be defending your honor though.  I’ve had to ask myself is it my place to do that anyway?  I should probably just let God take care of that.  Why am I choosing to fight that battle and wear myself out?  However legitimate the feelings might be circling around wanting your justice – wanting things to be made right is subtle way the enemy can trap us.  We start to think we define justice and not God and that’s when it’s sinful. 

This is how sin works.  It creeps in and you don’t even see it but you can usually feel it.  You can feel it because you get so tired and worn out by it.  The good news is that repentance brings refreshing not condemnation.  So take a look at what is wearing you out and think about what “stuff” you might need to get rid of.  We all need refreshing from time to time!

The other day someone referred to me as a “resource”.  They said to me, “You’re such a great resource for me.”  When I repeat that most of you probably think that is a compliment but I didn’t take it that way.  It actually hurt my feelings.  I thought to myself – when did I become a commodity?  When is it in the relationship with this person I became something to be used? 

I was very taken aback by the comment and it bothered me for quite awhile.  At the time I didn’t let on though I just smiled and kept pace with the conversation.  I realize this is not an uncommon phrase in the world today.  Unfortunately, I’m quite certain I’ve used it myself.  It is almost inevitable in the consumer-driven world we live in for people to attach value to other people based on what they can contribute to our lives. 

This mindset erodes the worth and dignity inherent in people.  When our consumptive nature reduces another person to a product or commodity for our use they are depersonalized.  We are all hurt by this because people are souls not resources.  We are all one-of-a-kind creatures made in the “image of God”.  People should be regarded with far more dignity then they are.

Paul recognized this so much that in the early part of his letter to the church at Philippi he told the Philippian Christians to, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.”  (Philippians 2:3-4)

In the previous verses of this chapter Paul talked to these Christians about withstanding Roman persecution and then he completely shifts the conversation.  He doesn’t talk about how to hold firm and endure suffering he talks about how to live together.  He subtly points out to these devoted Christians that advancing the message of Christ will require a self-less love that puts the interest of fellow believers above their own.  This as much as enduring persecution is required in the Christian life.

Author Donald Miller says, “No drug is so powerful as the drug of self.”  Amen to that.  When it’s all about me then the natural progression in your psyche is that the other people in your life are all about you too!  What benefits you becomes central to your relationships.

I have a friend who will be talking about himself and then he pauses and says, “Enough about me – let’s talk about how much you love me.”  This cracks me up because he has such a fabulous personality but the joke is only funny because there’s some truth in it.  I greatly appreciate my friend’s very humorous acknowledgment that he’s a bit self-centered.   Aren’t we all?

Overt examples of selfishness are very distasteful, easy to spot, and we are all offended by them.  Selfishness is an insidious thing though so my concern is where has it snuck into my life?  Where does it exist but isn’t easily spotted?

Is it possible that I might use other people for my own gain? Maybe not for physical or financial reasons but do I hang out with certain people because it feeds my ego?  It’s an ugly thought that one could actually be far more interested in building themselves up emotionally in a relationship than making a contribution to building the other person up.

The lie behind selfishness is that we believe somehow our deepest needs can actually be met by people and things.  It’s not true though.  If the hole in our hearts was closed by people and things we’d see more contentment in the world. 

Behind this belief that our needs can actually be met by someone other than God is fear.  Fear that God won’t meet those needs so we have to take what we can get when we can get it.  This is when we become consumers and not investors.  Our fear-based selfishness knowingly or unknowingly manifests itself in consumptive behavior. 

This is something we have to watch for in our lives because for believers the focus is always supposed to be on how you can invest in other people not what you can get.  Jesus death on the cross is the ultimate example of sacrifice and is our daily reminder that we too are to die unto ourselves.  Not easy to do I know but isn’t it in the giving that we receive?  I think that’s when we discover we probably already have more than we need and it’s not all about me.

I’m not usually someone who gets stuck on a song but recently I have. It’s a song by Jason McRoberts titled, “Done Living”. With the chorus Jason writes, “The question isn’t are you going to die. You’re going to die. Will you be done living when you’re through?”

This song comes to me at a time in my life when I want more than the status quo. This October, Lord willing I will be able to celebrate an entire year of wellness. Without giving you all the details what I would describe as well is being almost pain free and feeling healthy and strong.

This wellness that I am experiencing is exactly why I want to live because if you think about it being well is different than living. Having your health is very different than living your life. The proof of this is that a lot of not well people live their lives with greater zeal than perfectly healthy people.

For me this isn’t about fun. I’m not opposed to having fun. Fun is good. For me living is about what you learn in the process of “going for it”. I can stand on the sidelines of life and enjoy my good health not diving into adventure and what I will learn is how to be a great spectator in life. At my age I’m already a good spectator. I know perfectly well how to stand on the sidelines and cheer others on.

A couple weeks ago when I was climbing up the trapeze rig on vacation I have to admit I was asking myself, “Why are you doing this Karen?” That ladder seemed harder to climb than before and I’d already proven to myself previously that I could do it so what was this all about? Then I took the hop off the platform and in an instant I remembered just how addictive trapeze is for me.

It’s been a while but I managed to do my two tricks and land safely in the net. When I flipped out of the net the first thing the person instructing me said was not, “Good job!” No, he told me that I hadn’t listened to him, I rushed through my tricks, and while I managed to complete my tricks that wasn’t the point. The point was to wait on him, listen to his calls, and complete the tricks at the proper time with the right momentum so that it would look graceful and like an art form not a sprint to the finish line.

For me this wasn’t discouraging. In fact it’s exactly what I wanted to hear because while the whole darn thing is lots of fun it’s also lots of work and I love it. I love the challenge. This is when I know I’m living because I’m participating in something. I’m not watching someone else struggle through the challenge of learning a new trick in life I’m doing it. I’m actively engaged. I’m getting my hands calloused, my knees bruised, ankles scraped and it feels great.

For me the trapeze is metaphor for my life. The lesson learned on that first hop off the platform is one I need to take to heart in all areas of my life. Don’t rush, listen, wait on the timing, use your momentum and live a grace-filled life.

What’s required in life to get off the sidelines is a desire that drives you past your fear. It requires taking a risk. With anything in that is worth having you have to take a risk to get it!

This is when I think about Jonathon the son of King Saul and how he and his armor bearer attacked the Philistines by themselves. These two guys alone attacked a huge army. While everyone else was sleeping they chose to go for it believing that God would fight the battle. They didn’t ignore the prompting of God that kept nagging at them. They pursued it. The Bible says they climbed on their hands and feet over the cliff to attack the army.

One of the signs that God is with you in life is when He takes you into something scary and mysterious. Simple logic says this is a silly plan but still you sense you’re supposed to try. You have no idea what the outcome will be. You might experience an incredible victory like Jonathon did or you might be crushed.

It might not be your body that is crushed but instead your spirit. Your pride might be wounded. Your heart might be broken. Your vanity tarnished. Whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual or even financial you might take a beating. You will know you’re alive though.

You will know you are alive and you stepped out in faith. Often God doesn’t confirm our faith until after the fact. He waits to see if we’ll take the journey. If we’ll get off the sidelines and follow Him. It can be scary I know but it goes back to what Jason says in his song when he asks, “Will you be done living when you’re through?”

For me, I want to be able to say that at the end of my life. I want to be able to hear the voice of God in the back of my head saying, “Well done good and faithful servant.” I also want my children to be able to say their Mom stepped out in faith when it didn’t make sense to do so but God told her to go for it and she did. I hope they will do the same as well. What about you? Will you be done living when you’re through?

Last week I had the opportunity to go out on the water boating several times and each experience was wonderful. This is something I haven’t done in years. Whether it’s a sailboat or a motorboat something about the wind in my hair, the spray of the salt water on my face, and the movement of the water captivates me.

One of the things that I noticed out on the water was how happy all of the other sailing or boating people were. I commented on this to the friend I was with and he said, “Sailors are always happy because they are out on the water.” It was such a simple comment but it stuck with me and I’ve rolled it over in my mind many times now.

I’m not a sailor but I love the water and I love the wind. With the water I feel like all my troubles are washed away and the wind energizes me. With this thought, I wondered if people who spend their lives on the water are more in tune with something we should all be and that is the Spirit of God moving and working in our lives.

A sailor depends on the wind recognizing that something invisible gives energy to the visible. Without the wind you can only drift someplace and that will usually be done very slowly. Wind is at the heart of the action in sailing. To get anywhere you want to go you must have the wind.

In Aramaic and in Greek wind, breath, and spirit are the same word. The movement of air is described by the same word used to describe the life giving work of God in us. In other words, the aliveness of God is like the wind.

This trips people up because we prefer things we can see and touch. We want evidence and we use this evidence to form our basic concept of reality. We tell ourselves if I can verify something with my senses or my experience than it must be real. None of us, however, would say the wind is not real because we can see the effect of it. Why then do ignore the Spirit of God working in our lives? Why is it when we see evidence of God working we are still not convinced?

There are many reasons. Sometimes we just don’t give God the credit for the things He’s doing. Other times we aren’t certain it’s God so we won’t make the claim that it is. Another reason is that we might not see what God is doing because we are so focused on what He isn’t doing. What this sets the stage for is missing out on all the things God is creating in your life. It’s such a waste.

God used the wind (His spirit) to create form for the earth, lives to live in it, and the power to move into the future. This is the key. If we look at our lives and see where God is building things – where He is nurturing, creating, or developing something then we can see and harness the power of the Spirit of God.

This sounds so abstract but it’s simple really. If you look at your life and see what’s working, what’s growing, what looks like it is being blessed by God then it is safe to assume it is. These are the winds that you should turn your sail into. Look at these things and ask yourself what am I supposed to be gleaning from these experiences and how can that be applied in my life? How can more fruit come from already fruitful things? It a conscious decision to look at and follow the wind versus drifting along after the things that have no energy behind them.

I don’t know about you but going out on a boat and drifting with the tide might be relaxing for a while but I think in time it becomes tedious. Going out on a boat and using your sails to the harness the power of the wind and move through the water is invigorating. You know you’re alive and you can sense God’s powerful presence hovering in the wind. It’s a beautiful thing!

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of the, “Great Penny Adventure” that has been the inspiration for this blog.  In honor of the date I took the time to count up all the pennies I’ve found.  People love to tease me about this because they wonder how I know how many pennies have come my way.  Since I’ve only given a handful of the pennies away I know because I keep the pennies in a bowl.  It’s simple really.  The bowl is “off limits” and anyone who goes near it quickly learns from my son Chase, “Don’t you dare touch those pennies!” 

I also keep a log of my finds which sounds very obsessive/compulsive but the log is more of a journal and I use the pennies to prompt my writing for the day.  I don’t keep all the spare change that I find.  My rule is that all the silver coins go in the offering plate at church.  That change adds up so much faster than the pennies and I’ve had weeks where I’ve found up to five dollars worth of silver coin. 

This amazes me because that’s quite a bit of money.  If you had that money in paper you wouldn’t just throw it on the ground.  Change seems to trouble us though and so we are willing to let the change we drop stay on the ground. 

This week on our way home from a wonderful vacation in Florida (more about that later) I found so much unwanted change on the ground it was ridiculous.  Between three airports I found a pocketful of change.  Several times I watched people drop the money, look down, see it, and move on.  My older son Luke kept looking at me and finally said, “Mom I know you’re going to write about this – aren’t you?”  I could only nod my head and say, “Yes of course!”

Two years ago, when I started finding pennies I had no idea how much my life was going to change.  If I had and I’d realized just how many pennies I would find and just how much change I was going to be a part of I would have let those first four pennies lie on the ground.  It’s been exhausting.  There’s no turning back now though and I can tell you that since July 11, 2006 I have found 4,128 cents.  That’s an average of 5 ½ pennies a day.  Every day a minimum of a penny and obviously on some days lots of pennies. 

It’s been a wild ride for the last two years while I’ve been changing as a woman, wife, mother, and daughter in unexpected - but absolutely necessary ways.  The most obvious change is that I am not a wife any longer.  I’m still my parents daughter, I’m still my kids mother, and what is so exciting is that I feel more like a women than I ever have.

Day by day, penny by penny I have found all the change God has wanted to provoke and I know He’s not finished yet.  Not even close.  I have a feeling that more change than I have discovered in the last two years awaits me and it’s an exciting thought.

I write about change because if I’ve learned anything in the last two years it’s to value it.  Don’t let it slip out of your hands.  If you look at your life and know something has to change and you start rolling that change around in your hands and it drops PICK IT UP!   

For me I think a penny I found recently best sums up how desperate I am to stick with making all the changes in my life that I know God wants for me. 

I was out on my daily prayer walk and I was telling God in my prayers that even though I was tired of life and all the challenges I was facing and the hurts I was still trying to work through that I would not give up.  I was asking God to bless that.  This is when in the back of my head I felt like He said, “Will you get on your hands and knees and completely surrender any pride you have for the sake of change?” 

I kept walking and thought haven’t I done that already?  I have paid such a high price to be well, to be safe, to serve, to love, to live the life I think He wants me to live.  Do you really expect more I thought?  That’s when I came upon a penny.  It was in the mud under a big truck parked on the street.  The fact that I spotted that stupid penny should have been good enough but that’s when I heard God say in my spirit, “Okay show me how serious you are about sustaining all this change!” 

That’s when I got on my knees and tried to reach the penny but I couldn’t.  Here I am in the street kneeling and reaching under a truck and people are walking by and I look like a complete idiot.  I wanted that penny though because I want every bit of change God is willing to bring in my life.  That’s when I laid down on my stomach and inched under the truck in the mud and picked that penny up.   It was a victory.  A great penny find! 

Call me crazy…I’ve been called worse.  Two years ago I knew lots of things had to change in my life and day by day God has been faithful to provoke, encourage, and sustain me through more change than I could have ever imagined.  I don’t always like having to lay down flat and reach to get there but if that’s what it takes to get me to the place He wants me then so be it.  If you can’t humble yourself and reach down and pick up your change then you will be the poorer for it. 

Think about your life.  Where it is God might want you to surrender your pride and reach for even something small that could add up to something wonderful - are you willing to? 

While you’re reading this post to my blog, weather permitting, I’ll be playing tennis or flying on the trapeze.  I know it’s rough but somebody has to do it and I’m up for the task.  Its vacation time for me and my boys and for us vacations are active. 

Today while I was making my mental list of things to pack I started to think about just how bad my tennis game has become.  The last time I played tennis regularly was about 18 months ago.  Sadly for a lady who knows a lot about tennis, has played a lot of tennis, and gets to watch a lot of tennis I don’t find much time to actually play.  Time is limited and most of my time these days is spent getting the emerging tennis star in the family (my oldest son) to his practices and matches. 

Never the less I can guarantee you that when I step out on the court to play and miss my first shot I will be incredibly hard on myself.  I will expect more of myself than anyone else.  The same will be true of the trapeze.  If I miss my first catch I will land in the net very disappointed. 

Why?  I expect myself to be perfect when nobody else does and I am very impatient about my imperfections.  Is this the definition of a Type A personality?  If you can relate then you tell me!  What I’m beginning to finally see, that I hope breaks me of my perfectionist personality, is what perfection actually is and means.

The word perfect when it stands alone means without flaw but in the larger context of life perfect means having all the necessary or typical characteristics required for a given situation.  When you say someone is perfect for the job what you mean is they fit the job description.  This is the definition we think about most often and yet if you are a perfectionist you don’t tend to think of it that way at all.  You focus on the flaws not on what is typical for a situation.  In fact, what is typical is something you hate.  You want to be atypical.  (This actually smacks a bit of pride but that’s another matter entirely.)

As Christians one of the fundamental mistakes we make is that we think perfection excludes growth.  Man was made perfect and thus required no learning, maturing, or growth.  We think that immaturity and imperfection are the same thing and they are not.  Immaturity means that a goal has not been met.  Imperfection means that things are not as they should be at a given stage of development. 

There’s a big difference.  Adam was created perfect but he still required instruction to grow in his maturity.  Jesus was created perfect but even he “kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.”  (Luke 2:52)

When I think about it this way a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders.  The big struggle of so many Christians, including myself, is a lack of patience with themselves or others for not being instantly “finished”. 

I find myself in this place all the time.  I expect more of myself than I’m beginning to think God does.  For example, I’ve never been a single Mom before, I haven’t actually ever been a single woman before, and I haven’t been middle age so I’m living life right now in completely unfamiliar territory yet I expect myself to be great at it.  I focus on the “without flaw” definition of perfection and don’t see that things are probably as they should be given the things I’ve had to deal with.  I zero in on the things I’m not doing well versus the things I am.  I dwell on the perceived imperfections versus the strides I’ve made toward a better place. 

What’s sad here is that when I’m focused on perfection I miss what God wants me to learn from the process of maturing.  When I experience a minor failure I think of myself as all bad and ignore anything good about me or God.  It becomes an emotional all or nothing struggle and I lose.  Not only do I lose but I waste God’s mercy. 

I am made perfect by God’s sacrifice in the person of Jesus Christ and his death on the cross - but I am redeemed in the process of growing in my relationship with Him.  This is where aspects of God’s character are imparted to me.  There is no shame or condemnation in the maturing process.  In the maturing process our humanness draws other loving humans to us.   With love, the Holy Spirit, and people the work in us is completed.  We grow from one degree of glory to another.  That is the essence of perfection.  

To exist without flaw would suggest that we aren’t living at all.  To live through our imperfections suggests we are headed somewhere.  Which would you prefer?

This morning in my quiet time I continued to meditate on the concept of love.  This has been my devotional theme for a week now and I get the sense I’m just scratching the surface with my understanding of love as the deepest thing of God. 

It’s not a matter of me questioning God’s love for me or my love for God.  What I’m searching for is how to describe love.  With the girls that I’ve been ministering to lately lots of questions about love come up - romantic love, brotherly love, unconditional love, loving your neighbor, loving your friends or loving a man.   Questions abound and for a very loving person I’m not very adept at describing love.

I’ve always wanted God’s love for me and my love for God to be what distinguishes me as a believer.  We live in a world where genuine love is elusive.  It’s a feeling that comes and goes and is completely subject to shifting circumstances.  God’s love is the same yesterday, today and forever and I want my life to reflect that. 

As I’ve been thinking about love the word that comes to mind is integrity.   Integrity is defined as the quality of possessing and then steadfastly adhering to high moral principles.  What resonates for me here is that a person can’t truly love other people unless it comes from a place of integrity.  Genuine love requires integrity.Interestingly one of the adjectives we use to describe love is steadfast.  We use this word because we want love to be unwavering.  We want love to include affection, intimacy, and sometimes physical desire but more than anything we want love to be stable and dependable.  When someone promises to love you what they are saying is you can count on their integrity.  They have sworn an oath and will keep it even if it hurts.  The scriptures say, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  (John 15:13)This passage speaks to sacrifice, commitment, and loyalty.  These are the characteristics of integrity.  It’s doing for other as you would have them do for you.  It’s fulfilling your commitments.  Integrity starts in the heart in response to God’s love.  Jesus, after all, did what He said He would do.  He put content into the word love by showing people what love looks like not how it feels.  If you were to describe how love feels quite often you would have to speak about the pain of loving.This is because sacrifice typically hurts.  It’s difficult to be persistently patient especially with irritating people.  Love is patient though.  It’s difficult to surrender your will to the will of others but love is self-sacrificing.  God’s plan was that we live with Him in the perfect world He created but man chose his own will over Gods.  So He sacrificed part of himself to restore the relationship.  We tend to be willing to give up things that are easy to let go of not a part of ourselves.Often love requires a stretch that you can feel in every emotional muscle you have.  So you stretch and with time your soul strength grows as you mature in relationship with people.  Loving people pushes them into their future and pulls you into yours.  You have to be flexible to love.   Love dictates that we promote others instead of ourselves and build bonds of peace.  Again this is something that is especially hard in relationship with people you might not always like.  It’s actually easier to be quarrelsome than to be a peacemaker.  Making peace requires negotiation.  Bickering and taking offense do not.Love is passionate and powerful and thus requires energy we might not think we have but love is paramount and so the energy must be found.   Falling into love doesn’t take much effort but venturing into love does.  If you aren’t spending any energy loving someone I wonder about the depth of the relationship? For all these reasons love absolutely does require integrity.  You have to be committed to the work of it even when it hurts or you will never experience the potential joy of it.  If you define it by how it feels you will miss the point.  If you define love by its requirements you might hit the mark.  It is in the giving that we receive.  With integrity can you give of yourself the same way Jesus did and love?      

On the way to camp last week God provoked my thinking with a question.  It seemed out of place at the time but I jotted it down and all week it kept swirling through my head while I spent time with the Lord. The question was, “What are the deeper things of God?” 

I wrestled with this question in my reading, journaling, prayers, and during every free minute I had to think about it.  In the meantime, I was in the company of 10 girls amidst 400 other campers for a majority of the day learning all about the world from their perspective.  Trust me when I say that’s an experience!

For instance, I didn’t know that being “official” with a guy meant that you had an exclusive relationship.  Back in my day you were a “couple”.  Before that I think you went “steady” and before that you got “pinned”.  So, if you’re unofficial you can hang out with other guys.  You can even make-out with them and its okay because you aren’t “official”.  Being single I guess this is important stuff to know but it all seems so silly to me.

All week the girls are checking this guy out and that guy out and since none of the girls in my care are “official” with anyone its okay.  Of course they all have boys back home that they are calling from the pay phones but that’s another story.

What I saw in all this was the desperate need these girls have to be loved.  Sadly their value at high school age comes from what guy likes them, notices them, text messages them, etc.  They want to be loved and they will go to great lengths to be. 

Maybe it was this observation that finally helped me arrive at the answer to my question about the deeper things of God.  As I meditated on this question I just couldn’t answer it any other way than with one word – love.  Love is the essence of God’s nature and so love must simply be the deepest thing.

I couldn’t dismiss the boy chasing anymore as just silly age appropriate hormone driven behavior.  These girls are searching for something and they don’t know what it is but it has to be love.  Otherwise, why would you bother?  Really is it worth it? 

It’s a desperate search too.  Throughout the week several of the girls I talked to were so frustrated that the need to be in a relationship with a guy drove their lives.  They were ashamed of this need to be validated by a man.  They didn’t think it was right but they can’t shake the belief that their worth comes from men versus God.  In their worldview you have to be loved by a man to be worth something. 

It broke my heart because this is such a dangerous proposition.  When you are searching for love in all the wrong places you are only going to find the wrong kind of love.  What these girls want is the deeper thing but what they will get is the surface thing.  Boys are not ready to lay down their lives for a girl.  They aren’t even ready to lay down their cell phones to have a real conversation.  

How we arrive at this sad state is a conversation that would take pages to have.  The bottom line is that girls, and therefore it’s safe to say women, are searching for the deeper things of God.  These things are not found in man.  Of course for men the same observation is true but they are more likely to be seeking love through accomplishment versus relationship like women do.  The deeper things of God are only found in relationship with Him experiencing His agape (unconditional) love in our lives.   

Certainly earthly relationships can offer a living metaphor of God’s love for us - but meaningful relationships only exist between people whose self image and worth are tied to the image of God not man.  If your worth comes from the world then you can only love as the world loves and that is conditionally.  If your worth comes from your accomplishments you can only love when you are successful.  However, if your worth comes from God you can love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.  These are the deeper things of God. 

With this in mind, I wonder if maybe our search should be to truly discover God’s love for us rather than finding someone to love us.  Then I think we are actually capable of loving and being loved and can “officially” experience through a relationship the deeper things of God.  Wouldn’t that be nice?! Two people together who feel, sense, and know God’s love for them and then share it with each other.