In my last post I started a conversation about the Spirit of God in our lives.  I talked about renewing and refreshing that spirit.  I’m acutely aware of the need for that in my own life right now and I hope that came across.  With this heightened sense of need for God’s animating energy also comes a desire on my part to protect my spirit.  My friend Carol calls this “bubbling”.  Carol is always encouraging me to take any life destroying thoughts or feelings and put them into a thought bubble and send them away so they cannot be internalized.  It’s a bit of guided imagery that my son Chase brought to life for me the other day.

Chase loves blowing bubbles.  He’s the Peter Pan in my life because while he’s technically a teenager he will probably always be a little boy at heart.  He’s small in stature and so darn cute that he gets away with it.  It’s a wonderfully refreshing anecdote to the times we live in that seem to demand an unprecedented level of maturity from kids. 

The other day I took Chase to the local arcade and he won a bunch of tickets and redeemed them for a sword shaped bubble blowing wand.  For Chase this is perfect because it looks like the knife Peter Pan carries to fight off pirates and it blows bubbles.  It’s bubble ecstasy!  What could be better than fighting off pirates with your bubble blowing dagger?  Not much.

I was watching Chase come to life with his bubble dagger acting out a fierce pirate battle and my heart was so moved by it.  The way he was able to use his imagination to carry him into a world where the gravest danger you face is a pirate lord that might try to steal the treasures you’ve plundered – is priceless.   

Clearly Chase embodies the childlike nature that Christ encouraged in all of us.  The purity of thought that flows through his mind is worth more than gold.  The world Chase lives in is unsullied by all of the toxic images that surround us and it’s not because he lives in a bubble.  Chase lives in the world but has made a choice not to be “of it”.  I suppose I’ve encouraged that by teaching Chase about life affirming choices and working hard to not expose him to things that would bruise his spirit.  Ultimately, however, it’s Chase that has chosen to say I’m okay being different than the rest of the world. 

It’s been a prayer of mine for both my boys since before they were born – that they would say no to the ways of the world and yes to the ways of God.  While this quality can be seen in both of them “Bubble Boy” as I like to call him, exemplifies it more.  Chase is absolutely willing to stand against the tide.  He knows what is good for him and he sticks with it. 

The world knows very well what is good.  We like to dismiss some of the horrible things we see by saying that people don’t know better when on some level they do.  I’m frustrated by the position that many born-again Christians take that says some people (especially non Christians) just don’t know what’s right and wrong.  I don’t buy that because the moral world exists as surely as the natural world exists.  The gospel message doesn’t overthrow it or increase it.  On some level no matter what your worldview you know what is good and pure and the matter simply becomes what you are willing to choose to feed your spirit with.  Are you going to feast on things that are good or are you going to consume things that are toxic?  

In his letter to the Philippians Paul exhorts his fellow believers by saying, “You’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.  Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized.  Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”  (Philippians 4:7-21 The Message)

I believe what Paul is saying here is that there is a beautiful rhythm to life in the Spirit that can come from meditating on what is good and pure even when you live in a world that is out of sync.  Life in the bubble of God’s grace, however, can only be lived by choice.  It’s a commitment that requires rising above all that would try to weigh you down. 

To do that you simply have to look at what you are feeding your spirit with knowingly or unknowingly.  What are you watching on television or in the movie theater?  What are you reading out in the open or in private?  How are you spending your free time?  Who are the people you are hanging out with and what is the influence they have on you?  What are you talking about with those folks? Are you engaged in a life that feeds your spirit or one that depletes it? 

Your skin and your spirit cannot be separated.  You become whatever your expose yourself to. The enemy of your soul is always knocking on the door to your heart and mind because he wants to get in.  Once he’s made it through any opening you give him it is hard to get him out.  A bubble strong enough to hold a force that doesn’t want to be in it is hard to create.  

I know in my life that I need to take the same direction I still give my kids which is, “Don’t answer the door.”  We aren’t expecting anyone so under no circumstances should you open the door.   In fact, I don’t even want you to look through the window to see who is there.  It could be a wolf in sheep’s clothing because the enemy of your soul typically presents himself in a very benign looking way with a plate of cookies to tempt you.  Once you take a bite it’s hard to spit it out.

Paul encouraged the Philippian believers to, “go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society.  Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God.” (Philippians 2:13 The Message)  To enjoy a breath of fresh air and be one in this world requires saying no to a diet of worldly things and saying yes to all the good stuff.  Let sweet little Chase be a reminder to us all that we can choose to be different and still have a bubbly life!  It just takes a little soap and water.

I was driving with my fiancé through what seemed like the whole state of Texas during the NBA play-offs and wanted to follow the Cleveland-Orlando game.   You would think that in such a sports-loving state you might find a game the rest of the country is interested in on the radio but we couldn’t.  I guess once the Spurs and Rockets were out of it Texans just lost interest.  I really wanted to know what was happening though so I turned to my Blackberry to get the game scores live from ESPN.  For a technically challenged person I was surprised I was even able to figure out how to do that but I did and for most of the drive was able to follow the game.

It wasn’t very exciting though because cheering your team on from the passenger seat of your vehicle just isn’t the same.  Of course being at home and watching isn’t as fun as attending a game but at least at home you can see the game, hear the crowd, and follow the commentary.  Throw in some nachos and a beverage of your choosing and you can really get into it.  Getting into the “spirit” of the game is a real challenge when it’s just an intellectual exercise and not a sensory experience. 

I know what I’m talking about here because I’m a trained professional.  All those years of cheerleader training combined with my DNA has credentialed me to say, “I’ve got spirit”.  Actually I think it goes something like this, “We’ve got spirit yes we do! We’ve got spirit how ‘bout you?”  You know that cheer don’t you?  The girls on sideline start it to get the crowd going and unless you are just a complete crab you join the crowd.   For basketball I can still do the “shoot two” cheer and when my team is down sometimes I just can’t help myself.  That cheerleader persona comes out.

In sports the home team advantage is widely acknowledged.  When a team is playing at home on their field with their fans they have an “edge”.  One could argue they are more rested since they didn’t have to travel and that’s true but what we all know is that the vibe you have at home is so much stronger than in the opposition’s camp.  What is that vibe?  It’s a non-material animating energy that we call “spirit”.  You can’t actually see it but you can sense it.  It’s all around you and it provides the affirming mindset that you want and need to move toward victory. 

That collective energy is what you’re missing when you’re driving down the road following a game on your Blackberry.  It’s much like life.  In the day in day out grind of things we don’t have a crowd of fans cheering us on.  Certainly we can all have friends and family offering us support and encouragement but we typically don’t have the collective energy of an actual crowd spurring us on to take the next step.  We find ourselves at home but still missing the advantage.  It doesn’t have to feel that way for us however.   

For Christians that non-material life affirming animating energy is the Holy Spirit.  In the Message translation of the Scriptures when Jesus is telling the disciples He will be leaving them he says, “I will talk to the Father, and he’ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you.”  He goes on to say, “In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you’re going to see me because I am alive and you’re about to come alive.” 

I love that “come alive” part.  That’s such a powerful promise and yet we walk through life and we don’t feel very alive.  We’re not at home on earth and so we think we have no edge or advantage over the subtle destructive “life destroying” messages that bombard us.  As fans of the Christian way of life that is exactly what the enemy of our souls wants.  Our opponent knows if he can destroy our spirit we’ll unravel our lives for him.

In the marathon of life I’m learning more and more that I simply have to rely on God to renew my spirit.  When I can acknowledge that faith is a supernatural fruit of the spirit that I need to seek out I’m postured to receive it.  Lately I’ve come to pray what King David did in the Psalm 51, “Renew a loyal (or right) spirit within me.” 

With the sin in David’s life we tend to read this Psalm and focus on what David was doing wrong and see this as a prayer of penitence but I believe it’s more than that.  I think David is acknowledging that his spirit was anemic.  That he was in desperate need of God’s animating life affirming spirit in him or he would continue to drag through his life.  He was saying fill my heart and spirit with new thoughts.  Refresh me!

It’s hard to be your own cheerleader.  You can have all the positive self-talk in the world and still not be able to animate your spirit.  The reality of life is that we all have our hills to climb and while we might have lots of friends and family surrounding us cheering us on - the battle in our spirit is ours alone.  We can choose to seek out the supernatural presence of God or we can try to go it on our own.  If your pride won’t allow that then perhaps your vanity might.  Just imagine yourself in a silly little skirt doing cartwheels for yourself and that’s what all your efforts to fill your spirit up on your own look like.  It’s not a pretty picture but perhaps one that can convince you to let go a little and invite the Holy Spirit to renew in you a right spirit. 

It’s an interesting Mother’s Day for me this year with two teenagers in the house and more on the way.  My youngest recently turned 13 and I can hardly believe it.  It didn’t happen overnight, of course, but when you add to that the fact that next year I’ll be living with three teenagers and two other young adults coming and going I’m worn out at just the thought.   After my fiancé and I marry I will technically be a “stepmother” which sounds so funny to me.  I’ve never known where that title originated from but I’m very familiar with it. 

Stepmoms typically get a bad rap in the movies and in fairy tales so I’m not sure I like the title! Someone today asked me how I felt about being a stepmom and I did a double take.  It was a legitimate question but we were just out shopping so I wasn’t really prepared for it.  The timing was certainly interesting though because right now my “mothering” is in question. 

Don’t worry it’s not for any nefarious reason that my parenting is under scrutiny! From the biggest picture perspective you could say that I have a unique opportunity right now to talk about my life as a mother and the hopes and dreams that I have for my children.  On the one hand this is very easy because I have so many hopes and dreams for my boys but on the other hand it’s a bit of a challenge.  I struggle with anyone questioning that I might not have my children’s best interest in mind all the time.  I take my job as a Mom really seriously. 

This mindset started from day one and I think back to being pregnant and how I started praying for each one of my boy’s everyday from the moment I knew they were growing in the womb.  Much like today I had a list of things I prayed for with each one of them and it was a daily litany.  I was committed then, as I am today, to requiring the best of myself as a parent. 

What I anticipated, but of course had never experienced, was that being a great parent would require more than you have to give.  I knew God’s hand would have to be at work but I had no idea how much.  I also wasn’t prepared for the reality that I would feel like a stranger in a strange land as a parent.  I guess I thought being a parent was a bit like joining an organization where everyone had the same values.  I hate to admit that if I’d really known how much God would allow me to be stretched I never would have ventured out. 

One thing I really struggle with as a Mom are those folks on the sidelines of your life that tend to be a lot like armchair quarterbacks.  With two autistic kiddos the circle of people that gets involved in your life can be a little bit bigger than it is for most families so you have more quarterbacks.  They have a lot of opinions about how you should be raising your kids without sometimes having the practical experience to be qualified to comment.  Those sideliners also tend to be very vocal.  It’s easy to be outspoken when you don’t know what you’re talking about or have to actually face the player you’re criticizing.  From a distance we always feel safe to say rotten things. 

I have fairly thick skin but I’m also like a lot of folks.  I have a hard time remembering the nice encouraging comments and the barbs stick longer than they should.  Don’t you hate that? I do and I know that’s exactly what the enemy of my soul wants.  He wants me to really feel those darts to my heart.   The dart that is sticking right now is a comment referring to me as a religious fanatic in the way I’m raising my kids.

It’s funny because if you really looked into the meaning of a phrase like that it could be very positive.  Typically though if you think of a mother being a “religious fanatic” you’re going to get a picture of a woman with a funky braided hairdo wearing a cotton dress with a lace collar.  Her kids would probably be homeschooled and not allowed to play video games.  They might even have to eat all their fruits and vegetables whereas mine don’t.   Take that picture a little farther and you start to think about compounds out in the middle of Texas or maybe even horses and buggies along with arranged marriages, etc.   Now I’m the one stereotyping here but I think you get the picture. 

The person making the comment about me was saying that I’m an extremist and I suppose what goes along with that is the opinion that my beliefs are misled or irrational.  Rather than say they don’t agree with some of my thinking they’ve chosen to defend their thinking by criticizing mine.  That’s a common tactic but is it fair? I don’t think so. 

I think it’s more accurate to say that I’m someone with standards.  I believe being a parent is a privilege and I didn’t head into my journey as a mother to just be average.  I set out and asked the Lord for a chance to make a contribution to His kingdom by hopefully raising some kids that would grow up to be beautiful in heart, capable, Godly, and fulfill the purpose He would have for them. 

What I’ve discovered along the way is that this requires a strong commitment to swim against the tide.  You have to be willing to disrupt the status quo.  Interestingly, in the world today kids seem to know this more than adults.  In a recent survey conducted amongst thousands of teens in California those surveyed said that the greatest challenge they face is the breakdown of the family.  They saw this as the number one threat to their existence.  Add to that list violence, alcohol and other drug abuse, eating disorders, mental health issues, and all the other scary stuff in the world and the list of serious concerns threatening kids is very depressing. 

What these kids are saying in this survey is that we live in a messed up world and it starts with messed up families.  I don’t think this is a cop out on their part.  I think this is teenagers saying they want healthy high functioning parents who care about the important stuff and I want to be one of those. 

 If that makes me a “religious fanatic” then I guess I will wear that title but in order to do so I’m going to have to look at the positive attributes of those two words joined together.  Yes, I seek to be very “thorough and conscientious” as a parent.  I’m “enthusiastic” (most of the time) and “I believe in a higher being” that sets a few standards for his children and I want to model those same standards. 

When I think about those standards yes - I try to keep the Ten Commandments in mind.  Those commandments though are the really the bare minimum for living well together.  Instead what I’m more focused on and find really challenging is living and modeling the beatitudes which is that wonderful list of things we should do rather than shouldn’t.   Realize the need for God, mourn the things that grieve you, be humble, hunger and thirst for righteousness, have a pure heart, work for peace and be willing to be persecuted for what you believe.

Isn’t that last beatitude so fitting?  It’s a reminder to me that I’m going to catch a lot of flak for being a hover mother but it’s worth it.  What I need to remember is that opposition is a sign that you’re on the right track.  If I’ve learned anything about mothering over the last 15+ years it’s that if it doesn’t hurt you aren’t doing it right.  Maybe my spirit is a little hurt in the process when I’m not the popular Mom but clearly the cost is worth the reward.  After all, kids aren’t just an inconvenience that you deal with.  Kids are something you give your life too. 

Maybe you feel the same way I do – committed but tired of having to defend what you think are just the best practices in the world today.  If that’s the case perhaps what Jesus said to the disciples to encourage them will encourage you in your life as a parent.  Hang in there with me because your Godly kids and mine can make a difference and turn the tide!

“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.  Be happy about it!  Be very glad!  For a great reward awaits you in heaven.”  (Matthew 5:11 NIV)         

A few years back a good friend of mine preached a sermon on the spiritual fruit of kindness.  If you aren’t familiar with the “Fruits of the Spirit” you can open your Bible to the book of Galatians.  I remember the message well because my friend made a statement that has stuck with me for a long time.  It was, “You can never sow too much kindness”. 

At the time that I heard the message preached I found kindness to be something that came so easily to me.  It was a season in my life where I can safely say I would go out of my way to be kind to people.  I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “random acts of kindness” and it was definitely something I lived by.  I was crazy about “sowing” and I thought very little about what the harvest would be. 

Flash forward a few years and I don’t feel nearly as kind as I used to be.  I wouldn’t describe myself as unkind but it’s not the same.  I don’t have the zeal I once had.  I feel like I’ve become a bit jaded and cynical.  What really troubles me is that I used to live with a mindset that it didn’t matter if I saw the fruit from any kindness that was sown.  That is after all not the point.  As believers we are called to sow good seed the same way we are called to worship the Lord – whether we feel like it or not and whether or not we see any benefit in it.

If you think about it expecting a harvest from your kindness reduces your efforts to the level of a transaction.  People are not commodities and if your motives aren’t pure you have to wonder if it’s really an act of kindness.  Some of the most self-absorbed people I know are flamboyant with their kindness.  It looks good to be kind but it’s really all about them.  They aren’t motivated by a sincere desire to simply bless someone else they are hoping to get some sort of credit for it.  That’s not the sort of “kindness” I’m talking about.  I’m talking about going out of your way for people and doing so without expecting anything at all for it especially attention.

While I’ve been rolling around this question about my apathy and where it comes from the idea of whether or not my son Chase and I should plant our garden this year came up.  We’re moving at the end of July and it seems a little silly to plant a garden that we won’t reap the full harvest from.  Planting season doesn’t officially start for a couple of weeks but lots of people are still getting their gardens in early like we always do in hopes of seeing a few tomatoes at the beginning of July.  It’s risky because we could still have a freeze but some of us take the chance.

Chase left it up to me to decide.  He really wasn’t sure what we should do.  I struggled with it because there’s a cost associated with it and a fair amount of time.  If we’re lucky we might enjoy a little bit of our crop but it won’t be much.  The new owners of our house will reap the most reward and we have no idea if it’s something they will even value.  Planting seemed potentially foolish but something kept nagging at me.  I kept looking out my office window to our perfect little organic raised garden bed and it was calling me.  It seemed to almost scream PLANT ME! 

Then I was looking through some CD’s in my office and came upon my friend’s message about the fruit of kindness and I knew we had to plant the garden.  I thought about my first few weeks in Grand Junction when I moved here ten years ago.  I felt lost and displaced and desperately wanted to be comforted by the smallest amount of kindness anyone could offer.  Only one neighbor at the time actually made a point to greet us.  I was so disappointed because I’d moved from a sprawling metropolis expecting to be greeted by the open arms of a small town and that just wasn’t the case.  In time, I’ve met a lot of kind people but the welcome wagon I was dreaming of eluded me. 

I learned from that experience that relationships take a lot of time to grow and mature.  They require patience, nurturing, and commitment.  They don’t happen overnight and changing your location doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in the right spot.  You invest into relationships and the community you live in not because you hope to get something out of it.  You do it because you learn something from the experience.    The same holds true for our little garden.  Chase and I will learn new lessons this year as we tend to our plants and watch them grow.  Perhaps one of the things we’ll learn is how to say goodbye without feeling any regret. 

I don’t know who will move into our house.  I hope that it’s a big family that loves fresh herbs and vegetables.  I hope they will appreciate the organic growing process and have fun seeing it through the rest of the growing season.  Maybe I’m silly to even think about it but I hope it means something to them.

Whether or not that is the case Chase and I will still be the better for it.  Sowing good seed reaps a harvest beyond what we can see and in my heart I know that is good enough.  Maybe I’ll recover my zeal for kindness in the process.   I hope the experience will be just like the experience I’ve had so many times when I don’t feel like going to church and joining in the worship but when I do I always leave with a better perspective and some momentum.  Movement towards the things of God is worth any effort.
 

In any event I’m reminded by our little garden of what Jesus said, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.”  As a believer I’m called not just to proclaim the life affirming message of Christ but to be a manifest representation of it.  Metaphorically speaking that means when a garden somewhere needs to be planted the body of Christ is called to plant it! 

Lent has felt like a LONG six weeks for me.  I’ve had a hard time with everything.  I look at my “To Do” list and the simplest tasks seem enormous.  I sit down to journal or write and struggle.  I’m not sleeping well and up until yesterday I haven’t been excited about Easter.   The list, the writing, and the sleep struggles all seem like par for the course but the lack of enthusiasm about Easter - that’s a problem because I love Easter. 

For me personally the remembrance of Easter creates a lot of spiritual momentum.  It does because I recognize it’s what sets apart Christianity from every other belief system out there.  Lots of folks believe in God, lots of folks believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and lots of folks believe Jesus was a great man.  However, out of all those people, not every one of them believes that Jesus actually died on a cross to atone for our sins or that he rose from the dead demonstrating the new life promised to believers.   

It’s that resurrection piece that really matters in the whole equation.  It is the essential element of Easter.  It’s why at church on Easter when a believer hears the hymn, “I Know that My Redeemer Lives”* they can barely hold back the tears.  You simply have to believe in the resurrection to have the promise of life after death.

Before Easter we travel through the season of Lent and acknowledge the painful consequences of the broken world we live in.   It’s a journey encouraged by the Christian church calendar in order to remind us that we are often required to wait expectantly for God and believe in Him through our pain.  

Easter requires a shift in our thinking, however, because it’s all about life.   In Christ’s death there is new life and we are invited to trade in our sorrows for joy.  So why then this year haven’t I been able to travel through Lent and get to that place where I’m excited about the resurrection?  

I think perhaps it’s because I’ve been so overly focused on the horizon that I haven’t seen the shifts in wind that are moving me toward it.  Despite lots of encouraging words from people I’ve had a hard time.  I just haven’t been feeling it.  Finally, in a very sweet way, the Holy Spirit changed that yesterday with a “visual”.  It wasn’t a big monumental happening it was just the opposite.  It was the result of a simple act of obedience. 

Every day on my prayer walk I pass by two churches.  One of those churches has a field behind it with a rugged wooden cross that sits at edge of the field.  When Lent begins the groundskeeper of the church drapes a purple cloth on the cross which symbolizes Jesus the King of the Jews hanging on the cross.   On Ash Wednesday the purple cloth is replaced with a black cloth to symbolize Christ’s death on the cross.  On Easter morning the black cloth is replaced with a pure white cloth. 

On my walk yesterday the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “Walk over to that cross and lay your burdens at the foot of it”.  I felt silly and didn’t want to do it and resisted at first.  I actually thought, “What if someone from the church comes out and I’m just standing there?!”   The Holy Spirit persisted though and out of obedience I went prepared to be run off.  (As if that would happen!)

I’ve never walked across that field and so I’ve never noticed what sits at the foot of that cross.  What I found when I got there was a small pile of rubble set around the base of the cross perfectly framing it.  I thought as I looked at those broken rocks that some represent my failures, others represent my heartaches, and others represent my fears.   I bent down and added a few more rocks to it and just kneeled there and waited.  I waited for quite a bit and then a little nudge shifted my attention.  I looked up and saw that the wind, which I couldn’t feel from my perspective on the ground, was filling the black cloth with air animating it above me. 

I was reminded in that moment that the rubble in my life doesn’t prop up the cross of Christ but it frames it beautifully while God moves like the wind.  We don’t always feel it, sometimes we don’t see it, but it’s there.   I can count on that.  It’s a truth that sometimes I have to rehearse in my mind as an obedient act of faith rather than because I sense it. 

Standing there at that cross I had to appreciate the advantage I have over the women who stood at the foot of Jesus’ cross.   Just like me they had so many questions running through their minds but what they didn’t have yet was the final proof.  The evidence of the “seen and unseen” that God would do what He said He would do.    

The proof is in the end of the story.  For that reason, I can wait expectantly knowing when the time is right my Savior always shows His power to save.  He shows His authority to forgive, to rebuild and to restore.  He takes our rubble and uses it to frame a beautiful picture of grace and love. 

Easter morning the groundskeeper of the church will sneak out before sunrise to replace the black cloth with a white one.  I can count on that and I can’t wait to see that tomorrow and confidently say,

“I know that my Redeemer lives;

What comfort that sweet sentence gives!

He lives to silence all my fears,

He lives to wipe away my tears, He lives to calm my troubled heart,

He lives all blessings to impart. “*

We’re past the half-way mark with Lent and I don’t know about you but my fast is proving to be a challenge.  I was full of bravado at the beginning of Lent and truly determined to let God be God. For the first week it felt good.  Then week two hit and life followed right behind it and I had a harder time.  Now I’m facing week four and I don’t like my fast but I might be making some progress!

My fast started with a commitment to letting God work in every circumstance of my life to sever some of the ties that bind me.  In my last post I talked about those secret attachments that we all struggle with on a subconscious level.  They surface, we bury them, and then we think that we’ve actually let go but we haven’t. 

I thought that people were going to say, “She’s nuts!” Instead I received lots of e-mails from folks saying they could relate.  I hate to admit that made me feel a little better but it did.  It’s always nice to think your struggles are of the garden variety and not rare. 

What I hope at this point is that those same people that e-mailed or commented online are having a better go with their fast than I am.  I should have given up chocolate or Starbucks it would have been easier!  Where the frustration comes for me with this fast is that I can’t decide what needs to go from my life and when and how it will go.   I’ve been “benched” so to speak.  I have to sit on the sideline of my own life for a bit. I can’t call the plays, coach the team, or participate in the outcome to the extent that I would like.  For me that is maddening.

For example, one of my typical responses to something I perceive as an injustice is to fight against it.  It’s so common for me to do this that I am barely aware that I’m doing it.  Where I see this most with myself is in my role as a mother.  Picture the scariest looking mama lion or mother bear you’ve ever seen in a documentary and then think of me.  It’s really not pretty and there’s no nobility in it.  My son’s elementary school principal described me once by saying, “She’s pretty but she bites.”  She meant it as a compliment when she said it to me - because she’s talking about me as an advocate for my kids.  However, when she said it to the person she was warning it was meant to scare them. 

That’s not good.  Please don’t write me and say that it is.  There’s no nobility in being scary.  Firm with dignity and respect is one thing but scary – that crosses the line.  What is the line?  The line is knowing when it’s God’s battle and not mine.  The line is knowing when I need to keep my mouth shut and let God speak for me.  The line is knowing that my power to influence things is not what is required.  The line is staying behind God and not getting out in front of Him.   

If you’re anything like this mama bear you know exactly what I’m talking about.  When you start operating outside of your pay grade you are crossing the line.  It’s an invisible line and yet we always have a brief moment where we know we’ve crossed it.  Not crossing that line is why this Lenten season is proving hard for me.  It’s hard because life doesn’t stop during Lent and daily we’re provoked.  If you gave up chocolate you know what I’m talking about.  Chocolate is everywhere before Easter.  You can’t go anywhere without running into a little dish of chocolate eggs. 

Anyone who has fasted knows that a fast invites temptation. Four weeks into Lent and I’ve got a list of big things involving my kids I want to do something about and standing back and letting God be God and take care of that list is grueling.  When God tells us, “Cease striving and know that I am God”, I hear it but I can only do that for a while because then my personality wants to take over.   

It’s awful because when some of my greatest gifts work against me I’m at a complete loss for what to do.  I barely know how to operate outside of them.  I’m a worker, a problem solver, a doer and all of those things are good but when you can’t be still it’s a problem.  Life requires balance and I am very unbalanced when it comes to letting others take care of things for me.   I’m a do it yourself kind of gal at my own expense.  Why?  I don’ trust the job will be done and on matters of great importance to me it is very hard to let go.

 Stillness for me is a faith walk.  That sounds paradoxical but it’s not.  For me to be still requires that I trust God completely.  It’s what I call a penny thing.  I have to constantly meditate on God’s provision in my life that is independent of any of my doing and rehearse that reality over and over in my mind.  I have to look at every penny that I find and say in my mind, “In God You Trust”.  I have to rehearse the truth constantly.  That truth is that God has, in every area of our lives, always provided for me and my children in the past and He will continue to do so in the future.

Today when I found two bright shiny pennies I stopped for a moment and thought okay Lord I know that you are right here with me on the bench.  You’ve benched me and I would venture to guess I’m staying here until you are ready to put me back in action.  I don’t have to like it but I do have to accept it.  I can view the waiting time as profitable and choose to learn and grow from it or I can keep trying to get off the bench and frustrate myself even more. 

Key to my valuing the time on the bench is remembering that the enemy of my soul is going to use every temptation possible to get me off the bench.  Satan’s goal is to move me away from God.  If God’s on the bench with me and I cross that line and get out ahead of Him the enemy won.   Winning the battle matters to me so once I can reconcile the fact that the real battle is to resist the temptation to intercede then I can endure the waiting better.  I suppose you could call it “actively waiting” while God does the work.   It’s not easy – at least not for me.  It’s easier to dive in, do your best, and then ask God to clean up a mess you might make. 

I’m making some progress on the bench.  I’ve probably worn out any seat cushion that may have existed from my fidgeting but I haven’t collapsed the bench yet.  What I’m hoping is that by Easter morning I won’t care so much about what I’m supposed to be “doing” and actually enjoy just sitting on the bench watching what God is doing. 

Wouldn’t that be the best vantage point from which to watch the sunrise on Easter Sunday?  It’s a vantage point that shows great reverence for the gift the resurrection of Jesus offers.  We truly can, “Cease striving and know that He is God.”  The battle is already won and we are invited to daily revel in His victories which far exceed our own.  I’d like that and I think He would too.  

I looked at my calendar today and realized that it is Ash Wednesday.  Usually, I’m a little bit more with it on the church calendar but apparently not this year!  I was in a bakery a couple weeks ago that was taking orders for special Mardi Gras treats and that didn’t even bring Lent to mind.   I was invited to a Fat Tuesday party but it still didn’t quite click.  I suppose because I’m not that big on the Lenten fast thing I haven’t paid much attention to the feast before you fast rituals.

Immediately, a lot of folks who know me would be surprised that I’m not someone who fasts during Lent.  I grew up in the Lutheran church and that is the norm.  I appreciate what the benefits of fasting are I just typically don’t choose Lent as a season where I fast.  I’m kind of a trouble maker that way! 

This year, however, I’m going for it.  I’ve thought it through and weighed all my many vices and I’ve decided that I’m going to give up on “giving it up”.  Read that phrase one more time and I think you’ll get my drift. 

“Giving it up to God” or “Giving it up to Jesus” is a fairly common phrase amongst evangelical Christians.  My guess is that you’ve heard it before and you’ve probably even used it.  The meaning is simple and straightforward.  The person making the comment is saying that they have some issue in their life they need God’s help with.  Don’t we all?!

It could be any number of things but it’s typically a problem or issue that the person is very conscious of and after wrestling with it has decided they’ve done all they can do and now the rest is in God’s hands.  It’s sort of like throwing up your white flag and surrendering control of your circumstances.

A posture of surrender to God’s working in your life is not an easy one to assume.  It might seem like a very passive posture but it isn’t.  For those of us Type A personalities it’s very active.  We replace our problem solving with “giving it up” but it goes against our nature so much that we can get worn out from just hoisting up our white flag over and over. 

That’s what I want to give up this Lent – my “overactive surrendering”.  Finally, a fast I think I could really benefit from!  You see if I thought giving up one of my loves would draw me closer to God I would give it up.  I know, however, that giving up coffee would just make me really grumpy and when I’m grumpy I am not very sensitive to the work of God in my life.   

What would really draw me closer to the Lord this year?  The answer is what Thomas Merton calls the “letting go of letting go”.  It involves our “secret attachments”.  He’s talking about the “stuff” in our life we are unconscious of. 

It’s the stuff that surfaces now and then but is quickly buried.  We bury it and it festers and impacts our life in sometimes subtle and at other times not so subtle ways.  Turning loose of the obvious stuff in our lives is, without a doubt, important.  It’s the other stuff I’m more worried about.

It’s easy to make a list of potentially buried attachments.  Think about anger, resentment, hatred, jealousy, fear, anxiety, insecurity, or worry.  What about a need to fix things, be in control, know the plan or even worse dictate the plan?  All sorts of unconscious lenses through which we see and platforms that we stand on in this world. 

When one of these secret attachments surfaces and we know we shouldn’t be clinging to it we quite often acknowledge we have to give it up - but we don’t make any progress doing so.  I think we don’t because we try in our own strength to sever the tie.  We try on our own, rather than the working of the Holy Spirit, to wrestle away from these attachments.  It’s a subtle unseen treadmill we walk on.  (Of course most of the work of the enemy in our lives is subtle versus overt!)

What is the anecdote if we can’t actively let go of our secret attachments?  Merton suggests it’s inviting the Holy Spirit to work through every circumstance and experience in your life to break these secret attachments.    It’s a simple and yet confusing idea for the problem solver type because it means you have to admit something might possibly have you stuck and you don’t know what it is.  Then you have to admit that you can’t fix it and THEN you have to step back and let God’s Spirit do the work.   

Why in the world would you want to do this?  The answer speaks to why we fast during the Lenten season.  We want to be free of something that separates us from God.  You simply cannot live in the light of God’s love if you are clinging to things in the dark. 

How do you let go of letting go?  You don’t.  The Holy Spirit does.  Okay, how do you get the Holy Spirit working in this way?  I believe it’s only through prayer.  Through prayer you acknowledge that you want to be free of the secret attachments in your life and ask the Holy Spirit to be working through every decision, every conversation, and every activity in your life to release you.  You ask this every day.

Now that’s a fast!   If for the 40 days of Lent you ask and submit to that kind of working of the Holy Spirit in your life - you are going to go without.  You are going to go without control and that always draws you closer to the Lord.

Maybe you’re like me this Lenten season and you feel worn out.  Perhaps asking the Holy Spirit to intercede and break off the secret attachments holding you down is something to try.  Of course you don’t have to.  You can go a different route and give up chocolate and if that draws you closer to the Lord then praise God.  Me, I’m going to eat chocolate and lots of it just to survive the junk I want to break out of my life! 

I’m crazy about Valentine’s Day and I have been for years!  Even the years I wasn’t much in the mood for it I still appreciated the sentiment.  I’m not a hopeless romantic I’m a hopeful one!  As a little girl I remember what a big deal it was to make that cute box every year at school for your friends to put a Valentine in.   Back then it was still in vogue to make your Valentines if you had artistic ability. If you didn’t one of those cute little store bought cards was fine. 

I’ve always thought Valentine’s Day was a great opportunity to express your appreciation toward people.  Yes, at school you had to give everyone in your class a Valentine (or at least you were supposed to) but even this requirement isn’t a bad practice.  Everyone should be appreciated for what they bring to community whether you like them or not.    

Some people refer to Valentine’s Day as Singles Awareness Day and I understand what folks are saying there.  I realize it can be sad for many.  I’ve been blessed in my life to have very thoughtful family members.  My parents always made sure that I felt remembered and still do.  I know that’s not the case for others. 

I value the arguments the “Antivalentinist’s” (an actual title) have about February 14^th.  I’ve heard them all.  I think the perspective they have offers great insight into some deeper issues we face as people trying to figure out how to live well in this world.  I’m not offended when I’m criticized for placing value on Valentine’s Day.  I could write an entire post about hurtful comments that have been made over the years to me when my appreciation for Valentine’s Day has been evident.  Last year a good friend really “dissed” me about this.  Obviously I still remember what was said but I don’t hold it against her. 

Here’s what I don’t like though and I’m just sick and tired of.  I don’t like it when Christian men and women climb up on the “It’s a Pagan Holiday” pulpit or when they get really “religious” about it.  With that I just can’t keep my mouth shut.  I’ve been hearing a lot of it this year but the best example of what I’m talking about comes from a few years back.

My oldest son attended a private Christian school from kindergarten to eighth grade.  Every year on Valentine’s Day the school’s faculty would host a pancake breakfast for the students and their families.  It was a wonderfully endearing tradition.  The first year my boy was at the school I worried so much about how he would handle the breakfast because he is autistic and at that time in his life he had a lot of food aversions.  I knew he could handle the pancake part but if someone put syrup on his pancake or syrup even came near it a meltdown could follow that might ruin the whole day.   I wasn’t going to be able to attend the breakfast with him because his younger brother is also autistic and he really couldn’t handle the pancake breakfast scene.  I was tense about it. 

In hindsight, I can only laugh.  What felt like a big issue now seems small by comparison to other struggles the boys have faced that we have overcome.  Big or small, however, those struggles have all been navigated with the help and support of genuinely loving people. 

It’s been folks like my son’s kindergarten teacher who sensed this pancake breakfast was stressing me out and took me aside and told me that she would be right there with him every step of the way. The next year it was his first grade teacher who did the same and then by the following year his brother was finally ready to try the pancake breakfast.  Several years later and after many pancakes have been served I got a little choked up today when I put a plate of chocolate chip pancakes on the table with sticky syrup and they were gobbled up by my boys. 

In life we always have some stark contrasts though and here’s what troubles me.  While all these teachers at this school were loving my kid into his future one of the leaders of the church connected to the school used his pulpit to speak out against Valentine’s Day.   It was nothing short of a rebuke for people celebrating it.  Ironically, he even attended the breakfast.  I honestly couldn’t come to terms with it and when I spoke to him about it that man was unflinching in his condemnation of Valentine’s Day. 

This isn’t an isolated incident.  I’ve seen in over and over.  Christian’s speaking out LOUDLY against holidays, rituals, or traditions that the world as a whole has embraced but they won’t.   I often wonder who is actually asking them to get on board.  Is it all the pagans they speak about?

Some of those holiday observances bother me.  I’m not crazy about Halloween for example.  I swore for a long time I would never let my kids celebrate it and finally I realized it wasn’t a hill I should die on.  What  I came to learn is that the more outspoken I was about what I didn’t like about Halloween the less people could hear what the Spirit of God in me was trying to say.  I came across as an uptight right wing conservative Christian that didn’t want kids to have fun.  Nothing about that reputation advances the Kingdom of God. 

What I finally learned to say, when and if the subject came up, is that Halloween is a day when children all over the world are ritually abused and that breaks my heart.  Lots of other bad stuff happens and so I just don’t want to give Halloween anymore power to hurt people than it does by celebrating it.  It’s not a “loving” day.  After I could finally let go of all the preaching I wanted to do on the subject I even came around and let my kids have a couple “Harvest Parties” because I wanted to really stretch myself.  There’s a way to live in the world and not be “of” the world.

This year I’m really in the mood for love and I want everyone to know it.  If I get rebuked by any of my Christian friends so be it.  Preach at me all you want and I’m going to try as hard as I can to not even reply.  I’m passing out candy hearts, tootsie pops, sending cards, flowers, notes, wearing red, and just getting nuts about it. 

I’m not doing it because Hallmark has forced me into it.  I’m doing it because what’s the point of feeling, sensing, and knowing God’s love for you if you can’t pass that on to others?  I’m not talking about erotic love.  I’m talking about a brotherly love that cares about all people.  If you can’t let your little heart light shine like ET did then this world really has become too dark and cynical and I want to go home.  Not to a planet somewhere but to heaven as soon as possible. 

God’s love for me and my acceptance of it allows for that reality.  A home forever in heaven!  I want that for others and they won’t ever hear that message if I’m speaking it from a place of condemnation.  They have to see that heart light - so I want to let it shine Valentine!

For a blogger who writes about change I don’t actually mention my theme all that much.  I talk about change but I don’t point it out as a guiding principle all the time.  I try to talk about change without sounding like it’s a campaign slogan or sales pitch.

I’ve mentiond in my last posts that my focus for the year ahead is to write about love and what get’s in the way of love.  The attitudes, motivations, and behaviors that need to change in order for love to grow still concern me deeply and I will be writing about it.  I have to stop for a minute though and share a couple penny stories.

Pennies are still a metaphor for me.  I keep finding them.  It’s been almost 2 1/2 years now.  Just when I start thinking they are going to stop I have a series of great penny finds and all I can do is smile.  God speaks to me through these pennies and I am thankful for it.

For that reason I feel compelled to share two penny finds and I hope they encourage you just a bit.  Sometimes even the smallest amount of encouragement gets you motivated to keep pursuing change so I’m writing with that hope for you.

Last week on Friday I was in Boerne, Texas walking with my friend Bill toward the bank.  I have been thinking about moving to Texas with my boys and I was silently praying while we were walking for a sign that would encourage me to take the plunge.  I specifically asked God if he wanted me to start a bank account in Boerne and sow something forward toward the future I believe He has for me.   

Moving for many reasons with me and my boys is a BIG DEAL and so I felt like I wanted a nudge.  I believe God is far more gracious about this kind of thing than we give Him credit for and when He knows we will listen He is very good to speak. 

With that in mind - I’m walking with my friend Bill and we are less than a block from the bank and the toe of my cowboy boot lands on a penny.  I stop to pick it up and see another and then another and then another and wouldn’t you know it we found 10 pennies right there on that corner in that moment.  Ten is the number that represents God’s perfect order.  It was all I could do not to cry because ten penny days always mean so much to me.  Bill and I went into the bank and I was going to open an account but I didn’t have the right kind of identification.  I would have though and God knows that. 

I left those pennies in Texas with Bill and two days later I accpeted his marriage proposal and so I’m moving to Texas.  I know I would have said yes with or without them but those pennies were just what I needed at the moment - because while I’m a very blessed and thankful woman I am also very tired.  I’m tired for too many reasons to write about at the moment.  Knowing that I have to share the next great penny find.  It happened today and which was a hard day. 

Most of us would acknowledge that the realities of life often compete for our attention and unfortunately win out over the joy we are meant to have.  I came home to Grand Junction very aware and realistic about the challenges ahead but still feeling joyful.  Then reality set in and I got to walk through the expected challenges with moving.  It wasn’t fun.  As hard as I tried by the end of the day I was tired and it was hard to stay encouraged.

On a day like that you don’t want to cook so I took my boys out to dinner and on the way into the restaurant feeling like I just wanted the day to end I saw a penny on the ground.  Near it another penny and then another and total I found four bright shiny pennies.  I tried to pick one up and so did Luke and Chase but the pennies had been glued to the ground.  I’m not joking here they were literally glued to the ground.  I couldn’t pry them up with anything I had in my purse at the moment so we went inside the restaurant.

Luke was very thoughtful about the matter and wondered why anyone would glue pennies to the ground.  Ultimately he decided it was a very mean spirited person who wanted to trick someone into thinking they’d found something of value only to find out they couldn’t have it.  A wise man my teenage boy!  With that thought I just couldn’t let those pennies stay glued to the ground. 

After getting our table I asked the waitress for a knife and I went outside and pried those pennies off the ground.  It took some effort but you know anything worth believing for is worth working for no matter how tired, frustrated, discouraged or weary you might be.  When you are stuck and you know your future requires you to keep moving toward it you have to press on and the right tools make all the difference.

 The scriptures say that God’s word is sharper than any two edged sword.  Sometimes you don’t have the right thoughts rolling through your head to keep you encouraged but someone else might.  Don’t be embarassed to ask for it.  Get the sword of God’s spirit working in your life and refuse to let the enemy of your soul win. 

I’m not a noble person I’m just a desperate one.  If I’d let my pride get in the way I wouldn’t have four pennies with glue on the back of them sitting on my desk making me smile.  I needed a word of encouragement.  God knew it and I got it.  He is good to me that way and I know He wants to be good to you in that same way.  If you don’t have someone to encourage you send me an e-mail and I will make sure that you do.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned because I think God has lots of change ahead for all of us.  Bill I love you and it will be an honor to be your wife.  With you I believe God is going to teach me who I can be when I am loved and loving someone the way He intended.  It won’t always be easy but nothing worth having is.�

If you’ve read my previous post and are on board with the idea of increasing the content in your spiritual life I hope that you are willing to look at what part love plays in that.  Immediately, you might ask, “What does love have to do with content?”  I know that if you think about that question for just a minute longer you will quickly over correct and respond by acknowledging that love has everything to do with it.

It’s quite common for believers to describe God as love since the Bible does (1 John 4:16).  However, when we think about our spiritual lives we tend to think more in terms of right thinking about God or what we know about God.  How we acquire that knowledge and right thinking is what all the things like Bible study, catechism class, Sunday school, and conferences are all about.  If we go to church more, read our Bibles more, and attend this or that training we will learn more about God and thus we assume we will feel more loved or be more loving.

This is because we’d like to think that love can be reduced to ideas or formulas.  That makes it so much easier.  If a person could just do this or that - the outcome is more love which usually equates to greater happiness.  We also think that having the right responses to life is the same as being loving.  We ignore the fact that it is possible to behave impeccably and still live poorly.

If love involves community, which it does, we also fall into the trap of believing that everyone doing everything for the same goal is love.  This movement in the same direction is great but that doesn’t mean it actually reflects God’s love. 

Love is nothing if not personal.  For the content of your spiritual life to grow it has to be rooted in a strenuous and personally involving relationship with the source of love and that is God.  Just like you have to be connected with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit you have to be connected to your family, friends and neighbors to really understand love.

Love is not an abstraction.  It is not a function.  It’s a relationship.  When you read 1 Corinthians 13 with this lens it is clear that love is relational.  Outside of the scriptures this is readily acknowledged as well.  The best working definition of love that I have read is from a clinical psychologist that defines love as the continual search for a basic secure connection with someone else.  In the context of the bond, partners become emotionally dependent on each other for nurturing, soothing, and protection.

When I meditate on what the scriptures say about love and what man says I continue to be affirmed in my belief that love has no other true expression than in and through relationship.  This means that love must be the “content” of our spirituality.  We can participate in every possible program there is, read every word of the Bible, and we can attend church regularly and still not be rooted in love. 

If love is the highest and most complete expression of God’s presence in our lives we have to look at what disturbs that.  We have to examine what disrupts this relationship in order for the content of our spirit to grow.  What would you say disrupts this? 

My focus for the year is to look at what makes it so tough to love.  What gets in the way of our relationship with God and our relationships with others?  I don’t want to fill my mind with more teaching and study unless it will support a growing understanding, for me personally, of what love does have to do with everything.  Otherwise as 1 Corinthians 13 says, “I am like a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.”