It’s been a crazy few days around our house.  I knew it would be when the weekend started and ended with a three day tennis tournament.  Granted I’m not the player but every sports Mom knows supporting the athlete takes some effort.  There are schedules to coordinate, meals to be made, bags to be packed, and all sorts of details to be prepared for.  I don’t camp and I wasn’t a Boy Scout but I have adopted the motto “always be prepared” when it comes to a tournament.  If you don’t take a chair you are guaranteed to find your kid playing on a court without bleachers and even if you pack the most nutritious lunch possible he will be hungry again so you have to pack snacks and lots of them.

With even the best of preparation beforehand some detail will be forgotten.  In this case it was the headphones for the Nintendo DS that Chase brings to matches because for Luke’s little brother tennis is boring.  For the one match he was asked to endure not having the headphones was a crisis.  Fortunately, this tennis mom had packed a stash of tootsie pops and the crisis was averted.  However, in anticipation of the next memory lapse a back-up pair of ear buds is now in the tennis bag.  Lesson learned.

Isn’t that how life works?  Despite your very best efforts in all areas of your life unexpected stuff is going to come up and you will find yourself frustrated.  When they say the devil is in the details they aren’t kidding.  I’m not sure who the proverbial “they” are but I know they are right.  Amidst the joys of celebrating lots of hard won tennis victories and what they represented for Luke there have been some really nagging joy stealers.   

Things like a problem with the roof that required fixing, the air conditioning going out, the dishwasher leaking water, the water heater rumbling, and several large limbs from the Elm trees in my yard were brought down by the wind.  All these events were in the fixable category and then there was the people drama which usually isn’t fixable and of course wouldn’t be cool to talk about.  In a short span of time it was a bit much.  Sandwiched between all those things it was my penny anniversary which didn’t go unnoticed by me but I didn’t get the time I wanted to write about it until today.

Yes, Sunday July 11^th was my three year anniversary of penny finding.  Apart from one week while I was in Mexico this last year I have still found at least one penny a day since July 11^th, 2007.  I have to confess that not finding pennies in Mexico was a little hard for me since I’d traveled there my first year of penny finding and still found one every day.  Fortunately, the minute I stepped foot back in the States I found more than a week’s worth.  With such an immediate windfall of pennies I feel comfortable saying that my penny streak hasn’t stopped and for that I’m not only amused but very grateful.  This year’s total was smaller than the previous two with only 1,895 but that’s still a heck of a lot of pennies.  The running total now is 11,841 which when you add the decimal point and dollar sign is $118.41.  Wouldn’t you love it if someone handed you a little chunk of spare change like that?  I would and I have because every penny still means something to me.

The novelty hasn’t worn off.  Saturday afternoon during the tennis tournament when I was watching Luke’s doubles match I looked down and right next to my seven year old buddy Julianna was my penny for the day.  It was mixed in with the rust colored gravel below our feet.  I’d just moved over to sit with Julie because it was ghastly hot and she spoils her Mom and me with her mister.  Nothing beats a spray on the neck with cold water in one hundred degree temperatures!

When I reached for the penny Julie was amused and asked me how I’d noticed it since it was so well camouflaged.  I smiled and told her I have a thing with pennies.  She’s a very curious young lady and wanted to know more.  I told her my story and she responded with a big hug.  Like every kid who hears the story she wanted to see the penny with the sticker on it – the one I call my penny with a note from God.  I promised one day I would show her and then we got back to focusing on the tennis with both of us cheering a little bit harder after a booster shot of penny inspiration.

It was a fitting reminder for me of exactly why the pennies still means so much.  They are a touch point in my day where I stop for just a moment as I pick one up and remember I can trust God with every detail of my life.  It’s a pause that gives me an opportunity to acknowledge that for every pesky thing I have to deal with I have a greater measure of God’s grace to sustain me. 

It’s been said that a great life is made up of lots of little moments and I believe this.  Sadly, I think the opposite can also be true.  A great life can be undermined by lots of little things.   King Solomon speaks of this in the Scriptures when he that says we are to be mindful of the little foxes than can spoil the vineyard. Those little foxes come in all sorts of sly forms and they represent the opposition that comes sneaking into our lives.  You don’t necessarily see it happening but you feel it.  Something seemingly insignificant happens and for whatever reason you find yourself feeling angry, sad, jealous, resentful, fearful, overwhelmed and all too often very discouraged. 

Before you know it you’re slouched over like a grumpy teenager without his video games (God forbid) and you’ve succumbed to the belief that you just can’t take it anymore.  If you have to endure one more set of volleys in this game called life you’re going to scream.  You find yourself making a big fuss out of something that given a little more perspective would probably look silly.  A tootsie pop in your mouth to stop your whining would probably feel condescending but it might actually be just what you need. 

This is why I love my pennies because they are little moments in my day that counter the little foxes that like to sneak into my mind.  They creep up behind me and use my wild imagination to convince me life is falling apart while they nip at my heels.  However, if the pennies could talk I think they would say, “Trust me you can take it – you’re alright.” The penny voice says you can take it because you can put your trust in God.  That is after all the message stamped on the penny not to mention the message of the Bible!  

Replacing the subconscious mindset that you can’t take it anymore with a conscious message saying yes you can is critical. This is a faith-based mindset versus a fear-based one that convinces us we are worn out and won’t make it through any hardship we might encounter.  This simply isn’t true.   Face it if you think you can’t take it anymore then the enemy has won and you can’t. 

Not everyone has a running metaphor to encourage them daily.  I’ve had people tell me they wished they had a penny equivalent and I wish that for them too.   Looking in the penny bowl as year four starts I have forty-two pennies already which leads me to believe it’s going to be another penny rich year and a great one at that.  I’m very thankful.

The last penny of 2010 was found as I was heading home from the supermarket.  It was pouring down rain when I went in.  I’d already found my penny for the day but inside I found eleven more.  I thought surely that was more than enough.  Leaving the store I was happy to find the rain had stopped.  As I was unloading my groceries I spotted another penny.  I had a huge smile on my face because it had already been such a great day how could there be more?   I bent down to pick it up and as I was straightening back up my gaze was lifted and there in the beautiful blue sky was a double rainbow.  Now that’s a great moment!

I’m not one to say that my pennies come from heaven.  It’s a cliché I still haven’t embraced but if I’ve ever had a heaven sent penny moment that had to be it.  I drove home and my entire perspective had been changed.  Rather than thinking about my house falling apart and different folks that have been grumbling with me I thought about Luke shaking hands with his opponent in his final match and humbly accepting his kudos.  I remembered his post-match interview with a reporter and how well he handled it.  Not an easy thing when you are horribly self-conscious.   I thought about running into the kid he beat for the championship at our dinner out to celebrate and his dinner out to be consoled.  Luke went out of his way to be gracious and say hello and encourage him.   Those were the real wins – moments a parent lives for. 

With my last penny in hand I considered calling Julianna to tell her that my penny count had just gone up by twelve knowing she’d be thrilled.  At seven years old she’s easily inspired but I was so wonderfully content with the moment that I just savored it.  I drove home under that rainbow reminded that none of the nagging things waiting for me mattered.  My life isn’t the sum total of those things that bite at my heels and my life isn’t the sum total of the pennies I find.  My life is about what I do with the pennies, what they teach me, and how I use them to chase away anything that would steal away a life filled with rich moments. 

 P.S.  It’s money I’ve found and so it’s money I feel like I should give away.  This year’s pennies went to Light Gives Heat.  It doesn’t cost a penny to read my blog but it does cost this organization something to help the women of Uganda.  If you have any interest in supporting their work check out what they do at http://www.lightgivesheat.org.    

There’s a song by Paul Simon called, “Graceland” that has been a favorite of mine for years.  It’s a funky little song on an equally funky CD that for some reason I love.  It came into my life right after my Grandmother died which was a very long time ago.  Like a lot of songs it’s one line in particular that caught my attention.  I can play it over and over and never get sick of it because it means so much to me.  The line is “Losing love is like a window in your heart.  Everybody sees you’re blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow.” 

Of course writing it doesn’t have nearly the impact that hearing it does but if you’re careful and take each word to heart it can mean something.  I probably wouldn’t have locked onto this if it hadn’t been for my pastor at the time.  I was leaving church the week after my Grandma died and she asked me how I was doing and I just stared at her with tears in my eyes at a total loss for words.  She sweetly put her arm around me and said, “It’s like a hole in your heart opens and the wind blows through it - right?”  I could only nod feebly in agreement thankful she could see the gaping hole. 

I was very close to my Grandmother.  She was an old lady but her death was unexpected and for me premature.  I wasn’t ready and I didn’t get to say goodbye.  She was such a constant presence in my life I wondered how everyday would feel without having some word from her.  A call, a card, a note, something from her to remind me she was thinking about me and loved me.  I was devastated and somehow Pastor Lynn and Paul Simon were able to give me the words to describe what I was feeling.  I’ve offered those same thoughts to others in their grieving over the years because I still can’t think of a better way to express it.  Losing love is indeed like a window in your heart and when those that can see you are blown apart minister to you it is precious. 

What I’ve struggled with in this metaphor and what I struggle with in life is understanding the purpose the hole serves.  Intellectually I can come up with a few ideas but at the heart-level an open window with the wind blowing through is one you want to shut.  It can be so messy with everything looking and feeling disheveled as the wind scatters your thoughts, your feelings, and for that matter your whole life.

This week I was asking God for some sort of meditation that would help me make peace with the hole in my heart.  I don’t think anything going on in my life is unique to just me.  We live in a world with lots of walking wounded.  Anyone you meet is likely to have something that has broken open a hole in their heart.  They might not admit it but if you peeled back the layers you would find a hole that has been covered up.  My sixteen year old was brave enough to uncover one of his this week and I was so thankful he did.  I could sense something hurt but I didn’t know what.  When he was ready to finally share his feelings with me I was able to share mine and we found a wonderful place where we were holding each other up. 

His sharing though only increased my desire to find something that would help move me toward understanding.  I kept asking in my prayers for something to paint a picture that would comfort me.  Why Lord do we have to endure the holes?  A crack, a knick, a bruise, a scrape aren’t those enough?   I certainly think so.

My word picture came when the gardener arrived this week to trim the Evergreens that separate my yard from my neighbors. I’m allergic to my lovely trees so it’s something I have to get help with.  They had not been trimmed before the snow arrived this winter and the weather was finally warm enough for the work to be done.  As he was sizing up the job with one of the trees the gardener asked me if I was sure I wanted him to prune it.  He pointed out that the snow had collected for so long in one layer of branches they had been damaged.  If he shaped the tree a hole would be created and I might not like the way it looks.  I chuckled because he knows me too well.  I drive by this tree about six times a day and my eye is certain to go right to the hole and I will definitely notice it and not like the way it looks. 

The answer to his question seemed obvious though.  The tree needs to be pruned for its long term health.  All five trees look beautiful after 16 years precisely because they have been so well cared for.  I realize this tree in particular had a rough winter hung up by some snow but I couldn’t let that sway me it still had to be pruned.  It’s a tough-love-for-trees kind of deal.  So the tree was trimmed and the hole is obvious and you know what I didn’t like it at all until a couple days later.

I was walking down my driveway to get the paper and I saw the hole and grimaced but then I saw a lovely robin below it.   I probably wouldn’t have noticed much beyond that except that she was picking up a twig and it seemed to be a struggle.  Then before I knew it she flew into the hole because she’s building a nest in it.  Hooray instant enthusiasm!  Nothing could make me happier for my tree or the mama bird.  

I love nesting.  Every spring I get so excited to see where the mama’s will find a spot and make a home in my yard and this tree is the perfect one.  It’s high enough off the ground to protect her nest from a stray cat or dog but there’s still easy access to the lawn for worms and such.  She can see out but we can barely see in.  The wind will be able to blow through without blowing the nest to the ground.  It’s a poetically perfect little spot for new life to be nurtured and all I could think as I watched this busy mom was that the same holds true for the hole in my heart and perhaps yours.  When the time is right something will nest in it and grow.  The hole might not close and it might not be filled but something can make a home in it.  Perhaps it will be mercy, compassion, grace or forgiveness.  All should be welcome in any heart.

Pruning is a part of the life of a believer but we tend to flinch at it because it hurts.  As thinking feeling beings we pull away from pain.  A tree of course doesn’t have that ability but since we can we do and it’s our resistance that causes us to lose sight of the purpose pruning serves.  The lesson we’re to take from it was apparently important or Jesus wouldn’t have talked about it with his disciples.  In the book of John we hear Jesus say, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”

Thinking about this scripture and the nest under construction in my tree prompted a new picture to form in my mind.  The hole wasn’t created because the limbs were weak and couldn’t bear the weight of the snow.  Just the opposite is true. They held up the snow as long as they had to and stretched into a new shape doing so. This depending on how you choose to look at it is not a bad thing.  Now after pruning the tree will gracefully adapt and cradle new life.  It’s all part of the process. 

What’s key to see in the picture Jesus paints is that it’s the fruitful vine that gets pruned.  The unfruitful we’re told are completely cut off but the fruitful are pruned in order for more fruit to be produced.  It’s not a sign of weakness that a hole is created by taking something away from us which is what pruning accomplishes.

It’s also not expected this will be painless but we’re told that new life will come if we remain in Him.  Jesus uses the word “remain” eleven times in John 15 to emphasize his point when he teaches about the vine and the branches.  If we stay in our relationship with God new fruit will come through our losses.  We’re told no branch no matter how much or how little pruning it’s received can bear fruit apart from the Father and that we have been chosen exactly for that reason to go and bear fruit. 

Sitting on my step looking at my tree this morning waiting for a glimpse of the mother bird I asked myself to think about every loss I’ve ever endured and what grew out of it.  Some of the losses I didn’t like thinking about but when I pushed myself I had to admit that in every case good fruit was born from it.  I wrestle with questions about heartbreak only because I don’t like losing anything and I don’t want to admit that it might be good for me.  However, loss in whatever form it takes is a good thing when it creates a window of opportunity that we will allow to stay open. 

In that open space God’s spirit and the evidence of it can blow through our lives and plant seeds of new life.  It takes time for those seeds to grow but as they do the hole will close and something new will take flight.  In my trees’ case it will hopefully be several baby robins.  In my own life I have no idea what it will be but I hope it’s something just as sweet to see. 

My son turned 16 this weekend and to his delight passed the behind the wheel driving test and got his driver’s license.  I’m not nearly as scared about this as people would assume.  He’s a conscientious and cautious driver.  He’s not your average teenager so this is a big accomplishment. 

Luke is a bit of dreamer and he’s been talking about all sorts of big plans he has related to driving.  Of course he doesn’t have a car yet so I don’t worry too much about some of his more outrageous plans like driving to wherever Metallica is performing so he can see a show.  On a more realistic scale his ideas about taking friends to lunch caught my attention.  Luke somehow forgot the rules that apply to new drivers.  One of those is a six month waiting period during which a 16 year old driver cannot carry any passengers under the age of 21 other than a sibling. 

When I reminded Luke about this waiting period he was shocked.  He’d completely forgotten and ever since then it’s all we’ve heard about.  His poor little brother can hardly stand it.  He’s a bit of a rule cop so he is willing to go head to head with his big brother on this whereas I just want the conversation to end.  It is what it is and I feel no need to protest the waiting period or even discuss the pros and cons of it.  I stop their discussions with one of my famous Mom sayings, “Good things come to those who wait.”  My comment doesn’t help Luke at all because the year between getting your permit and your license is a long one.  He thinks he’s ready for full driving privileges and to him the waiting period is agony.   To me this is a trivial matter. 

The irony with this is that I’m struggling with my own waiting period right now.  It feels like there is an ocean that lies between my heartache, the circumstances around it, and the healing I want God to bring.  At times the water is calm only to have the tide change and the waves stir up.  It’s a myth to believe that God will only lead you beside still waters.  We are also led through turbulent waters. 

Waiting through your storms is a discipline that requires a great deal of endurance.  I know this because I’m not new to the waiting game.  I’ve been waiting on God for a lot of things in my life and the lives of my kids.  Good stuff like healing not a Porsche or something silly like that.  With so many waiting lists this year when Lent started I knew that I didn’t have what it would take to give something up so I didn’t and yet I’m so ready for Lent to be over I can’t stand it.  I’ve somehow convinced myself that when Lent is over there will be some cosmic shift that brings an end to waiting for me along with everyone who actually gave something up.  It’s not very logical thinking of course.

In ancient times the Lenten season was a time of preparation for new converts to the Christian faith.  The early church recognized that it was not easy being a Christian.  Believers faced persecution and pagan temptations.  It was a 40 day period of time that encouraged prayer, penitence, almsgiving, and self-denial.   The purpose of which was to die to the old way of life so that a new identity could emerge.  Originally only new converts were expected to observe Lent in these ways but with explosive church growth all believers were later asked to observe Lent to show solidarity.  Maybe this is why I’m aching for Lent to be over?  I’m aligning myself with all those folks who are so desperate to get back to chocolate, coffee, or booze.  I haven’t given up any of these things but I’ve let go of quite a few other things hoping for breakthroughs and I want one. 

But it’s hard the waiting because we want our questions answered, problems solved, and uncertainty to end quickly.  We want our victories sooner not later so that we can move on to our celebrations.  We want to be a completely new person overnight and it doesn’t happen that way.  There are no shortcuts.  All through the scriptures we see waiting.  Forty days here and there and in some cases 40 years of waiting and all this waiting has a rhythm.  We wait and in the fullness of time we see the fruit that comes from it.  Waiting it seems provides the time and space for personal transformation.

Lent is the perfect example of how we wait in chronological time for God to arrive in “kairos” time.  That is to say we wait through our days for God to show Himself in our circumstances according to His perfect timing.   Kairos is that opportune moment when all things are poised to converge.  In kairos time you are typically so absorbed in life that you’ve lost track of the clock ticking.

What makes observing Lent a little easier than observing life is that we know it will end.  Its 40 days.  If you’ve been fasting and struggling through it you know a day is coming when you get to break your fast.  If you’ve added a discipline to your life and it’s proving harder than you thought by day 20 you know you’ve only got 20 more.  You can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Easter Sunday arrives, metaphorically speaking God shows up, and you get to let go because your season of waiting is over.  Lesson learned and now you move on.  

If only all the other seasons of our lives’ worked this way!  Wouldn’t it be nice to know that after you’d waited in agony forty days your situation would be resurrected?  God would arrive on the scene in a big splashy way and change the trajectory of your life.  If it worked this way could we call it “wading” rather than “waiting”? 

When you’re wading you are only partly immersed or sunken.  You’re not buried and you can see that you’re headed toward something.  Whether its 40 days or 40 years if you know when a tough season is going to end you are much more likely to be able to bear it.  Wading is done in shallow water but waiting is done out in the deep and that takes a lot more faith.

To be still in times of adversity requires a great strength but to tread water and stay afloat during a hard season requires a greater strength.  When we are called to work under stress, press on under hardship and smile when our hearts are grieved while at the same time performing our daily tasks – this takes a faith that moves mountains.  It’s a faith that is transcendent and rises above our circumstances. 

To wait in chronological time for those kairos moments where you see and feel God move requires keeping your eye on the horizon.  I wonder if this is what the writer of Hebrews was suggesting when he encouraged believers to “run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”  To “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right had of the throne of God.” 

Nothing is said about skipping the cross part or the heartache it brings.  The focus is on persevering and fixing our eyes on something beyond ourselves.  I suppose that’s what’s different about wading and waiting.  When you’re wading you can keep your head down and see the bottom without drowning but when you are waiting you simply have to keep your eyes fixed on that vantage point out ahead. 

For me this year it’s got to be that picture in my mind of the stone rolled away and a crushed man risen from the dead.  When I go to church on Easter Sunday and the pastor says, “He is risen” and the congregation answers, “He is risen indeed” my waiting list isn’t going to be eliminated but HOPEFULLY my perspective will be elevated.  That can be enough if I’m willing to lift my head and fix my eyes on the glory set before me.  It’s not a bad thing to be a lady in waiting.  In fact, in the royal court it is an honor to wait on a King and maybe that’s where we actually find our victories?

A few years back my father gave me a book about grief that he thought I should read.  He gave it to me along with several others and because I have more books to read than time to read them it somehow got lost in the shuffle of my life.  Unpacking the other day the book resurfaced and something in the title grabbed me.  I put the book on my nightstand thinking I might actually stay awake long enough some evening to peak into it. 

 I was hesitant about a book on grief but finally I took a look.  It’s not an easy read but I’ve been very touched by the meditations in it.  I think we’re all grieving something at any particular stage in life and for me right now the stories in this book have been timely.  One of those is a Tibetan fable.  It is the story of Krisha Gotami.  If you are a Buddhist it’s a story that you are probably familiar with.  Where Christian’s know the story of Job and his suffering Buddhists know the story of Krisha.

For a variety of reasons I just haven’t been able to get this fable out of my mind.  One of those is that my friend Kelly who I’ve written about in a previous post is daily fighting the good fight of faith as she watches her son suffer.  With every coming and going from my house when I look across the street I whisper a prayer for this family.  At times I feel like I’m begging for God’s intervention in these prayers and in some ways I am but certainly not like Kelly must be.

I have not walked in Kelly’s shoes but I know that as a mother I struggle with wanting things for my children that at times seem out of reach.  This morning a teacher working with my youngest son was sharing with me some struggles he was having and it was all I could do in the meeting to stay composed and not start crying.  I saved my tears for later when I shared my feelings with my own Mom. 

Perhaps that is why the tale of Krisha has come to mean so much to me lately.  If you’re not familiar with it Krisha is a young woman who gave birth to a son.  When he was year old he fell ill and died.  In her grief Krisha walked through her city holding her son in her arms begging for medicine to bring him back to life.  She was ignored, scoffed at and others thought her mad.  She came upon a man who told her that Buddha could help her.  She went to Buddha and told him her story.  He listened and then told Kisha that he would help her if she could bring him a mustard seed from a home in her city that had not known death. 

Believing this was possible Krisha set out to find a mustard seed.  She went door to door and at every household was told by the owner that she could not be helped.  Every home had seen death.  Krisha was then finally able to say goodbye to her child and bury him.  She returned to Buddha to tell him that she understood what he was trying to teach her admitting that she was too blinded by her own grief to see that we all suffer. 

I’ve read the story over and over and I’m moved by it for more reasons than I can possibly write about.  However, one detail in the story strikes me more than anything and that is the mustard seed.  Krisha only had to find one mustard seed and Buddha would have restored her child to life.  I realize this Buddhist tale is meant to point out the universality of suffering.  This is an idea that is not readily embraced by the American outlook on life where we look at health and happiness as a promise life makes to us.  Buddhists, however, believe that all of life is suffering and that only by eliminating desire can we eliminate suffering. 

If you’re a Christian and believe what the Bible says you have to consider what Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) This tells us yes we are going to have troubles and suffer and yet we can take heart.  That is a statement filled with promise and counters the idea that desire is the root of all our suffering. 

When you tell someone to take heart you are telling them to hang on to something.  You’re telling them to hang on to their hopes and dreams.  This says that hopes and dreams are okay to have which means we do get to want for things.  We get to want to see people healed physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even financially.  We are allowed to desire life abundantly.  The Scriptures tell us this over and over. This has to mean it is never wrong to seek after healing of any kind.  Never – ever!   I’m thankful to know this because I pray for healing everyday for my children.  Not in every area of their life but I ask God to heal what needs healing. 

Was Krisha a fool to be seeking out healing?  Should she have just acquiesced to her suffering? No, especially when all she needed to find was a mustard seed.  Oh how I wish she had met a disciple with a worldview different than Buddha.  A disciple could have told her that she didn’t have to go out and find a mustard seed.  A mustard-seed-sized faith was already available to her.  Through the power of the Holy Spirit available to every believer in Christ she could have a faith that big. 

This is a poignant reminder for me because what I know from experience is that faith is a fruit of the spirit which means I don’t have to go out and find it I just have to nurture it.  This is a relief because as hard as I try I can’t always find a mustard seed in my heart or anywhere else.   Intellectually I have that much faith but often my heart just isn’t there.  The faith I muster up in my mind doesn’t sink into my heart.  I wish it did because then I would have an enormous faith. 

I think this is where honesty is required.  If we can believe that our desire for healing and wholeness in life is acceptable to God then we can ask for the faith to believe that healing is possible.  We can admit that we have the desire but we don’t have the faith or maybe one should say “hope” to go with it.  This frames the picture differently.   Without the necessary hope to accompany our desire our spirit is flat.  The animating energy that we need to sustain us just isn’t there. 

I wonder if in the big picture scheme of things what Krisha Gotami was really asking for was the peace hope brings.  In the face of any devastating loss isn’t the faith to survive it part of what we seek?  We want what was lost back but we also want to know if that is not possible that we can endure without it. 

This is a hard place to be at emotionally and yet it’s the best place to truly meet the Holy Spirit.  This is where you can learn that it’s not through your strength that hope is created it’s through the Spirit.   The fruit called “faith” is a spontaneous filling up by the Spirit of God and is available simply by asking.  Not door to door from others, like Krisha was told to seek, but in our daily conversation with God - if necessary, in our minute by minute conversations with God.  To humbly ask for hope the size of a mustard seed or as big as a tree is a request God will always honor. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  (Psalms 34:18)

It’s the end of January and I’m just realizing that I missed the start of a new decade.  I’m embarrassed to admit this but today when I was listening to a podcast and the speaker mentioned the start of a new decade I thought to myself, “What?”  Then it hit me that today am January 30^th which means we are 30 days into a new decade and I barely noticed the end of the last one. 

If this admission isn’t embarrassing enough I’m also admitting to the fact that I didn’t realize millions of American’s consider the last decade to be one of the worst in history.  According to Time Magazine the first 10 years of the 21^st century are thought to be some of the worst years in American history.  I heard this news, which is actually now old news, just today while I was driving through the middle of New Mexico on a farm road.  The road was icy, my knuckles were white and I felt a little stressed about a whole number of things but I still couldn’t accept this pronouncement. 

When I think of the worst years in American history things like the Great Depression and Civil War come to mind but I hung in there with the podcast and listened to why people felt the way they do and I was a little more empathetic.  My travel partner and son Chase was surprised too and asked me if it had been a bad decade for me.  I thought about it and one part of me wanted to say yes but I’m thankful that a larger part of me said no. 

If I measured the last decade by some of what I’ve been going through recently I might get on board with the Time magazine folks.  I missed the start of the New Year because I’ve been completely distracted by a few painful realities in my life that require my attention.  If only I’d had time to read Time I would have realized how much more depressed I could be.   

If I had I might not have ever surfaced from the abyss to realize that a new year has started.  I would have kept my head down for fear of discovering yet another sad thing and not risked looking at the horizon to see what might be ahead.  That’s a terrible way to live.  Fortunately, a drive 1200 miles across the country is a good way to get your perspective changed.  You simply have to keep your eyes on the horizon. 

What occurred to me today driving toward Colorado where I’ll be living is that the problem lies in how we think about being “blessed”.  If your only definition of the word blessed is “happy” you have a very incomplete picture of the word.  If you think of the word bless in terms of “increase” you can travel much further with your understanding. Getting a little further down the road when you feel weary is a good thing.

Of course the words bless and blessed have different meanings but one of the meanings speaks to being prospered.  The minute you say the word prospered or prosperity people begin thinking about success in financial terms.  Even the phrase, “getting ahead” is thought of in financial terms which is also very limiting.

If being blessed either means a person is happy or getting ahead financially then tragically very few people could consider themselves blessed.  If, however, we could use the word increase synonymously with bless we might finding that we are far more blessed than we would acknowledge. 

Increase means to multiply, enrich or enlarge and in its prevalent usage today it doesn’t have the happiness/financial baggage attached to it.  We understand the idea of something increasing with greater ease than we do the concept of something or someone being blessed. 

If being blessed in your life is equivalent to experiencing increase in your life then growth would equal blessing.  Growing in your faith is being blessed.  Paul in 2 Thessalonians says to the church he is trying to encourage in Thessalonica, “We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing.” 

This is a very easy thought to swallow. What’s unpalatable to us is the idea that growth can come without happiness, financial prosperity, or some other feel good thing along the way.  We typically don’t equate that kind of growth to being blessed and subsequently our praise for the learning is very shallow. 

If only we could look at how we weathered a tough set of circumstances and say they weren’t curses they were blessings.  They were blessings because there was an “increase” in the area of understanding, tolerance, self-control, goodness, knowledge, perseverance, or brotherly kindness in our life.  Perhaps we aren’t as nearsighted anymore and our worldview has grown making our faith bigger not smaller.  As a result we just might be more effective at living a Christ-centered life! Wouldn’t that be worth celebrating? 

Just like the Time magazine readers I could say that the last decade of my life has not been easy but what I will say that maybe they won’t is that is has been blessed.  It has been blessed because without a doubt my love for God, my faith in Him, and my understanding of how He works in my life has grown bigger and bigger.  Adversity has enlarged my view of God reminding me continually that my life is not defined by circumstances.  My life is defined by my relationship to Him and subsequently how I respond to what life brings me.  Hopefully those “responses” are improving with the increase in learning as I grow in him. 

I don’t know what the next decade holds for me but I can say without hesitation that I know it will be blessed beyond compare.  I’m making space for the unknown to fill up my life with surprises.  I’m not poised with an attitude of relief that the first decade of the 21^st century is over.  I’m stretching into the New Year (albeit a little late) thankful and with my mind wide open to all the new learning I know God has for me.  That will be a blessed life. 

 Saturday July 11^th was my 3 year penny anniversary and it was a banner day! It seemed that everywhere I went I found a penny.  I’d started the day with the hope that I would at least find two so that I would hit the 10,000 mark but the change just kept coming.  By the end of the day the total count was 10,136.  That’s a lot more than a penny a day that’s almost nine cents a day and every one of those pennies bares the same message, “In God we trust.” 

I kept thinking with each penny that it would be the last one and the count would stop but that wasn’t the case.  That’s how my life has been in terms of change the last three years.  You get to a point where you think it’s going to stop only to find that the change still keeps coming.   A friend sent me a fortune she found in a cookie that reads, “The secret of vast riches begins with a single penny.”  It’s a fitting reminder for me that I am penny rich. 

I say this because all this change has taught me so much.  At the beginning of my penny journey I was desperate to hear God’s voice and I did with every penny I found.  I remember days when some of my penny finds brought me to tears.  I was sick, scared, and completely overwhelmed.  I needed constant reassurance from the Lord that everything I was experiencing counted for something.  That it would all add up and serve a purpose.

In the last three years my physical health has been restored.  When I go to the doctor and hear the good reports I think to myself God healed me one penny at a time and I am thankful beyond words for that.  While I recognize that in our lives all healing is temporary I have needed my good health during the last two years to get me through some very emotionally challenging circumstances.  One battle was fought and won to prepare me for another battle.

The greatest lessons my penny riches has taught me is that your focus can’t always be on the battle.  You have to stop often, pick up your pennies, and remember that God’s grace is sustaining you.  His love takes shape in the form of your friends and family cheering you on.  His love manifests itself in the unexpected and undeserved kindnesses shown to you.  His love shows up in all sorts of big and small ways but you’ve got to stop for just a minute and acknowledge that or you absolutely lose sight of it.

As Christians we tend to forget that we will never be done in our lifetime with fighting the battle to advance God’s kingdom.  If we’ve truly committed our life to fulfilling the purpose God has for us then we are going to be engaged in battle after battle.  Some of those fights will feel like little squirmishes and others will feel like epic battles that consume you.  In the midst of these you keep asking yourself, “When will it be over?”  and you survive by telling yourself, “Everything will be better once this or that happens.”  You adopt a mindset that centers on the idea that once you get this, that, or the other thing in place you are done. 

That’s not how life typically works though and I would suggest it is foolish thinking.  Why?  Because opposition means you are on the right track when you are trying to fulfill the purpose God has for your life.   We don’t want to accept this but it’s true.  The Scriptures tell us this but we seem to forget this all the time which only leads to disappointment.  If your peace can only be found in the quiet seasons of your life you may never know any peace at all.  

 What I’ve come to learn over the last few years is that it’s a very slippery slope you walk on when you focus on the uphill climb.  The best traction a person can find on the battlefield of life is to focus on the vast riches of God’s grace.  It’s those riches that are supporting you as you march on. 

By God’s power and light you can, if you stop long enough to do so, see through and feel over the storms that come your way.  In that light standing still - you can feel the fresh spring of his Spirit flowing through you.  This is when you will see God revealing his secrets to you.  Nothing opens your eyes more to God’s hand at work in your life than the storms He allows you to go through.  These are the moments when you can see what Peter saw in the boat when Jesus walked on the water to him and told him, “Do not be afraid; it is I.” 

The scriptures tell us that Peter saw the wind.  They don’t say he felt it they say that he saw it.  He could see the wind and he could see Jesus.  Two images joined together in order to strengthen his faith.  But he had to choose.  He had to decide whether or not he would keep his sights on the wind and its uncontrollable nature or he could fix his eyes on Jesus.  If he’d chosen the wind the odds are he wouldn’t have gotten out of the boat and then he would have missed the unbelievable experience of walking on water. 

I am penny rich without a doubt.  I know in my heart that every penny God has brought me was intended to make me stop and reflect on the trustworthy nature of God.  They’ve been reminders to me that the storms of life are not what my focus should be on.  When I stop to pick up a penny I truly believe that God is reminding me that He will provide for me and protect me no matter what my circumstances are.  Stopping long enough to remember that and refocus my mind makes a lot of cents -especially in the stormy world we live in. 

I was driving with my fiancé through what seemed like the whole state of Texas during the NBA play-offs and wanted to follow the Cleveland-Orlando game.   You would think that in such a sports-loving state you might find a game the rest of the country is interested in on the radio but we couldn’t.  I guess once the Spurs and Rockets were out of it Texans just lost interest.  I really wanted to know what was happening though so I turned to my Blackberry to get the game scores live from ESPN.  For a technically challenged person I was surprised I was even able to figure out how to do that but I did and for most of the drive was able to follow the game.

It wasn’t very exciting though because cheering your team on from the passenger seat of your vehicle just isn’t the same.  Of course being at home and watching isn’t as fun as attending a game but at least at home you can see the game, hear the crowd, and follow the commentary.  Throw in some nachos and a beverage of your choosing and you can really get into it.  Getting into the “spirit” of the game is a real challenge when it’s just an intellectual exercise and not a sensory experience. 

I know what I’m talking about here because I’m a trained professional.  All those years of cheerleader training combined with my DNA has credentialed me to say, “I’ve got spirit”.  Actually I think it goes something like this, “We’ve got spirit yes we do! We’ve got spirit how ‘bout you?”  You know that cheer don’t you?  The girls on sideline start it to get the crowd going and unless you are just a complete crab you join the crowd.   For basketball I can still do the “shoot two” cheer and when my team is down sometimes I just can’t help myself.  That cheerleader persona comes out.

In sports the home team advantage is widely acknowledged.  When a team is playing at home on their field with their fans they have an “edge”.  One could argue they are more rested since they didn’t have to travel and that’s true but what we all know is that the vibe you have at home is so much stronger than in the opposition’s camp.  What is that vibe?  It’s a non-material animating energy that we call “spirit”.  You can’t actually see it but you can sense it.  It’s all around you and it provides the affirming mindset that you want and need to move toward victory. 

That collective energy is what you’re missing when you’re driving down the road following a game on your Blackberry.  It’s much like life.  In the day in day out grind of things we don’t have a crowd of fans cheering us on.  Certainly we can all have friends and family offering us support and encouragement but we typically don’t have the collective energy of an actual crowd spurring us on to take the next step.  We find ourselves at home but still missing the advantage.  It doesn’t have to feel that way for us however.   

For Christians that non-material life affirming animating energy is the Holy Spirit.  In the Message translation of the Scriptures when Jesus is telling the disciples He will be leaving them he says, “I will talk to the Father, and he’ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you.”  He goes on to say, “In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you’re going to see me because I am alive and you’re about to come alive.” 

I love that “come alive” part.  That’s such a powerful promise and yet we walk through life and we don’t feel very alive.  We’re not at home on earth and so we think we have no edge or advantage over the subtle destructive “life destroying” messages that bombard us.  As fans of the Christian way of life that is exactly what the enemy of our souls wants.  Our opponent knows if he can destroy our spirit we’ll unravel our lives for him.

In the marathon of life I’m learning more and more that I simply have to rely on God to renew my spirit.  When I can acknowledge that faith is a supernatural fruit of the spirit that I need to seek out I’m postured to receive it.  Lately I’ve come to pray what King David did in the Psalm 51, “Renew a loyal (or right) spirit within me.” 

With the sin in David’s life we tend to read this Psalm and focus on what David was doing wrong and see this as a prayer of penitence but I believe it’s more than that.  I think David is acknowledging that his spirit was anemic.  That he was in desperate need of God’s animating life affirming spirit in him or he would continue to drag through his life.  He was saying fill my heart and spirit with new thoughts.  Refresh me!

It’s hard to be your own cheerleader.  You can have all the positive self-talk in the world and still not be able to animate your spirit.  The reality of life is that we all have our hills to climb and while we might have lots of friends and family surrounding us cheering us on - the battle in our spirit is ours alone.  We can choose to seek out the supernatural presence of God or we can try to go it on our own.  If your pride won’t allow that then perhaps your vanity might.  Just imagine yourself in a silly little skirt doing cartwheels for yourself and that’s what all your efforts to fill your spirit up on your own look like.  It’s not a pretty picture but perhaps one that can convince you to let go a little and invite the Holy Spirit to renew in you a right spirit. 

It’s an interesting Mother’s Day for me this year with two teenagers in the house and more on the way.  My youngest recently turned 13 and I can hardly believe it.  It didn’t happen overnight, of course, but when you add to that the fact that next year I’ll be living with three teenagers and two other young adults coming and going I’m worn out at just the thought.   After my fiancé and I marry I will technically be a “stepmother” which sounds so funny to me.  I’ve never known where that title originated from but I’m very familiar with it. 

Stepmoms typically get a bad rap in the movies and in fairy tales so I’m not sure I like the title! Someone today asked me how I felt about being a stepmom and I did a double take.  It was a legitimate question but we were just out shopping so I wasn’t really prepared for it.  The timing was certainly interesting though because right now my “mothering” is in question. 

Don’t worry it’s not for any nefarious reason that my parenting is under scrutiny! From the biggest picture perspective you could say that I have a unique opportunity right now to talk about my life as a mother and the hopes and dreams that I have for my children.  On the one hand this is very easy because I have so many hopes and dreams for my boys but on the other hand it’s a bit of a challenge.  I struggle with anyone questioning that I might not have my children’s best interest in mind all the time.  I take my job as a Mom really seriously. 

This mindset started from day one and I think back to being pregnant and how I started praying for each one of my boy’s everyday from the moment I knew they were growing in the womb.  Much like today I had a list of things I prayed for with each one of them and it was a daily litany.  I was committed then, as I am today, to requiring the best of myself as a parent. 

What I anticipated, but of course had never experienced, was that being a great parent would require more than you have to give.  I knew God’s hand would have to be at work but I had no idea how much.  I also wasn’t prepared for the reality that I would feel like a stranger in a strange land as a parent.  I guess I thought being a parent was a bit like joining an organization where everyone had the same values.  I hate to admit that if I’d really known how much God would allow me to be stretched I never would have ventured out. 

One thing I really struggle with as a Mom are those folks on the sidelines of your life that tend to be a lot like armchair quarterbacks.  With two autistic kiddos the circle of people that gets involved in your life can be a little bit bigger than it is for most families so you have more quarterbacks.  They have a lot of opinions about how you should be raising your kids without sometimes having the practical experience to be qualified to comment.  Those sideliners also tend to be very vocal.  It’s easy to be outspoken when you don’t know what you’re talking about or have to actually face the player you’re criticizing.  From a distance we always feel safe to say rotten things. 

I have fairly thick skin but I’m also like a lot of folks.  I have a hard time remembering the nice encouraging comments and the barbs stick longer than they should.  Don’t you hate that? I do and I know that’s exactly what the enemy of my soul wants.  He wants me to really feel those darts to my heart.   The dart that is sticking right now is a comment referring to me as a religious fanatic in the way I’m raising my kids.

It’s funny because if you really looked into the meaning of a phrase like that it could be very positive.  Typically though if you think of a mother being a “religious fanatic” you’re going to get a picture of a woman with a funky braided hairdo wearing a cotton dress with a lace collar.  Her kids would probably be homeschooled and not allowed to play video games.  They might even have to eat all their fruits and vegetables whereas mine don’t.   Take that picture a little farther and you start to think about compounds out in the middle of Texas or maybe even horses and buggies along with arranged marriages, etc.   Now I’m the one stereotyping here but I think you get the picture. 

The person making the comment about me was saying that I’m an extremist and I suppose what goes along with that is the opinion that my beliefs are misled or irrational.  Rather than say they don’t agree with some of my thinking they’ve chosen to defend their thinking by criticizing mine.  That’s a common tactic but is it fair? I don’t think so. 

I think it’s more accurate to say that I’m someone with standards.  I believe being a parent is a privilege and I didn’t head into my journey as a mother to just be average.  I set out and asked the Lord for a chance to make a contribution to His kingdom by hopefully raising some kids that would grow up to be beautiful in heart, capable, Godly, and fulfill the purpose He would have for them. 

What I’ve discovered along the way is that this requires a strong commitment to swim against the tide.  You have to be willing to disrupt the status quo.  Interestingly, in the world today kids seem to know this more than adults.  In a recent survey conducted amongst thousands of teens in California those surveyed said that the greatest challenge they face is the breakdown of the family.  They saw this as the number one threat to their existence.  Add to that list violence, alcohol and other drug abuse, eating disorders, mental health issues, and all the other scary stuff in the world and the list of serious concerns threatening kids is very depressing. 

What these kids are saying in this survey is that we live in a messed up world and it starts with messed up families.  I don’t think this is a cop out on their part.  I think this is teenagers saying they want healthy high functioning parents who care about the important stuff and I want to be one of those. 

 If that makes me a “religious fanatic” then I guess I will wear that title but in order to do so I’m going to have to look at the positive attributes of those two words joined together.  Yes, I seek to be very “thorough and conscientious” as a parent.  I’m “enthusiastic” (most of the time) and “I believe in a higher being” that sets a few standards for his children and I want to model those same standards. 

When I think about those standards yes - I try to keep the Ten Commandments in mind.  Those commandments though are the really the bare minimum for living well together.  Instead what I’m more focused on and find really challenging is living and modeling the beatitudes which is that wonderful list of things we should do rather than shouldn’t.   Realize the need for God, mourn the things that grieve you, be humble, hunger and thirst for righteousness, have a pure heart, work for peace and be willing to be persecuted for what you believe.

Isn’t that last beatitude so fitting?  It’s a reminder to me that I’m going to catch a lot of flak for being a hover mother but it’s worth it.  What I need to remember is that opposition is a sign that you’re on the right track.  If I’ve learned anything about mothering over the last 15+ years it’s that if it doesn’t hurt you aren’t doing it right.  Maybe my spirit is a little hurt in the process when I’m not the popular Mom but clearly the cost is worth the reward.  After all, kids aren’t just an inconvenience that you deal with.  Kids are something you give your life too. 

Maybe you feel the same way I do – committed but tired of having to defend what you think are just the best practices in the world today.  If that’s the case perhaps what Jesus said to the disciples to encourage them will encourage you in your life as a parent.  Hang in there with me because your Godly kids and mine can make a difference and turn the tide!

“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.  Be happy about it!  Be very glad!  For a great reward awaits you in heaven.”  (Matthew 5:11 NIV)