Growing up I remember when I had a crush on a boy I would write my first name with his last name in order to practice my new signature just in case we might have a future. Being very traditional when I married my college sweetheart the thought of keeping my maiden name never occurred to me.  The possibility of that marriage ending was also not something I imagined either.  If you don’t think you’ll ever be faced with the prospect of changing your name again the first change doesn’t seem like any effort at all.

Then life happens in ways that are tragic and ways that are blessed and through it all hanging on to your identity can be a very interesting experience.  What seems like a simple decision to change your name again can end up feeling weird or as my oldest son said, “Sounding weird!”

I didn’t like that comment coming from him.  I thought my first name and new last name had a nice ring but teenagers aren’t always tactful.  I also know that he was feeling very loyal to his father and struggling with some of the issues around his identity and me re-marrying so I was gracious about it. 

Before the wedding I thought through some of the name issues since lots of folks asked what I was going to do.  Those same people asking the questions also had lots of ideas which I listened to but I’d already decided.  I believe today, just like I did when I was much younger, that it is an honor to take your husband’s name when you get married.  I also believe that in marriage two become one and changing your name reflects this.  I realize not everyone feels the way I do and that doesn’t trouble me at all.  If one of my boy’s marries a gal that doesn’t want to change her name I can respect her decision. 

Changing your name isn’t the easiest thing anymore.  It’s funny that you can change your name on a credit card without any proof that you have a legal reason for doing so but to change your name on a prescription for an antihistamine is a big deal.  Changing the name on your frequent flier accounts is tougher than changing your name on your passport.  I don’t know if I’ll ever make sense of it all but I’ve tried to have a good sense of humor about it.

The paperwork name changes are one thing and then you have to get used to using your new name in conversation.  That’s where I’ve had a harder time.  On occasion it’s just a matter of forgetting like you do when a new year rolls around.  Other times though I find that I hesitate in conversation because I want to say I’m Karen Blanton now but I used to be a Davis before I was even a Ledebur.  I have a family and whole life history of my own.  It’s a blessing to be a part of the Blanton clan but I have people too. I’m not just some drifter they adopted. 

Doesn’t that sound crazy?  At first that’s how I felt when these feelings were surfacing.  As I’ve been sorting through them trying to making sense of it all I’ve realized that what I’m dealing with here is fear.  I’m afraid that my identity will be eclipsed by my husband’s and that somehow in that process who I am and who I’m connected to will be lost.   Those connections have been so important to me. 

I find myself living in a place where nobody really “knows” me or my history.  I want to tell everyone I meet that I’m more than just Bill’s wife.  I’m a daughter, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, a friend, and a very new stepmom.   To some I’m Karen,  to my boys I’m Mom, to many of my friends I’m Kady, and only to my husband am I “darling”. 

I’ve been in a situation similar to this before and it was when I moved from California to Colorado.  My name hadn’t changed but I felt like I’d lost my identity anyway.  I’d pulled up my anchors and moved knowing God had told me to but I still felt like I was floating around unknown and unconnected for a long time.  My sense of self and the continuity it brought my personality felt severely challenged then and it does now.

 I think this is the reason changing my name has been a little weird for me because everything else in my life has changed also and I don’t feel grounded yet.  I feel this need to hang onto my past because the connection to my future feels so lose and disconnected.

The rub here is that I know the place of blessing is always out in front of you.  Hanging on to your past keeps your hands behind your back and you can’t embrace the future that way.   You have to let go and walk through that fear of sinking into the unknown or being unknown.

For me looking back has helped because I can see that even during the tough transition times Colorado was a place of great blessing for me.   While I didn’t realize it at the time I have come to understand that the blessing did have something to do with my name and my identity.   Not the names man has given or the worldly identity I thought I might have had.  It was the name God has for me and the way He sees me.  The same holds true for me now.

That name is His beloved because I am dear to his heart.  I am cherished.  My name is in His book and it doesn’t matter how many times it changes or where I live He won’t ever forget me or mistake me for anyone else.  He created what makes me unique and He will continue to nurture that.  He knows my past, my present, and my future and will connect me to it.  I will bloom no matter where He has planted me or what I’m called if I’m rooted to Him.  My identity comes from how he sees me not man. 

Perhaps we all struggle with this a bit more than we realize?  If you take a look at your life and it feels as though your self-worth always fluctuates maybe your identity is tied to something other than God. What is it?  Your title at work, your home, your car, your physique, who you know, where you live or what you’ve accomplished?  Is your reputation based on these things as opposed to your relationship with the One who created you? 

Maybe it’s time then for you to remember, along with me, that man was only given the opportunity to name every living creature AFTER God formed them and our formative years are not behind us.  As long as we are living God is constantly working to form us into His image.  What we are called doesn’t change who we are. 

So what’s in a name you ask?  Not much really just our imaginations which can sometimes be a little vain. 

In my last post I started a conversation about the Spirit of God in our lives.  I talked about renewing and refreshing that spirit.  I’m acutely aware of the need for that in my own life right now and I hope that came across.  With this heightened sense of need for God’s animating energy also comes a desire on my part to protect my spirit.  My friend Carol calls this “bubbling”.  Carol is always encouraging me to take any life destroying thoughts or feelings and put them into a thought bubble and send them away so they cannot be internalized.  It’s a bit of guided imagery that my son Chase brought to life for me the other day.

Chase loves blowing bubbles.  He’s the Peter Pan in my life because while he’s technically a teenager he will probably always be a little boy at heart.  He’s small in stature and so darn cute that he gets away with it.  It’s a wonderfully refreshing anecdote to the times we live in that seem to demand an unprecedented level of maturity from kids. 

The other day I took Chase to the local arcade and he won a bunch of tickets and redeemed them for a sword shaped bubble blowing wand.  For Chase this is perfect because it looks like the knife Peter Pan carries to fight off pirates and it blows bubbles.  It’s bubble ecstasy!  What could be better than fighting off pirates with your bubble blowing dagger?  Not much.

I was watching Chase come to life with his bubble dagger acting out a fierce pirate battle and my heart was so moved by it.  The way he was able to use his imagination to carry him into a world where the gravest danger you face is a pirate lord that might try to steal the treasures you’ve plundered – is priceless.   

Clearly Chase embodies the childlike nature that Christ encouraged in all of us.  The purity of thought that flows through his mind is worth more than gold.  The world Chase lives in is unsullied by all of the toxic images that surround us and it’s not because he lives in a bubble.  Chase lives in the world but has made a choice not to be “of it”.  I suppose I’ve encouraged that by teaching Chase about life affirming choices and working hard to not expose him to things that would bruise his spirit.  Ultimately, however, it’s Chase that has chosen to say I’m okay being different than the rest of the world. 

It’s been a prayer of mine for both my boys since before they were born – that they would say no to the ways of the world and yes to the ways of God.  While this quality can be seen in both of them “Bubble Boy” as I like to call him, exemplifies it more.  Chase is absolutely willing to stand against the tide.  He knows what is good for him and he sticks with it. 

The world knows very well what is good.  We like to dismiss some of the horrible things we see by saying that people don’t know better when on some level they do.  I’m frustrated by the position that many born-again Christians take that says some people (especially non Christians) just don’t know what’s right and wrong.  I don’t buy that because the moral world exists as surely as the natural world exists.  The gospel message doesn’t overthrow it or increase it.  On some level no matter what your worldview you know what is good and pure and the matter simply becomes what you are willing to choose to feed your spirit with.  Are you going to feast on things that are good or are you going to consume things that are toxic?  

In his letter to the Philippians Paul exhorts his fellow believers by saying, “You’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.  Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized.  Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”  (Philippians 4:7-21 The Message)

I believe what Paul is saying here is that there is a beautiful rhythm to life in the Spirit that can come from meditating on what is good and pure even when you live in a world that is out of sync.  Life in the bubble of God’s grace, however, can only be lived by choice.  It’s a commitment that requires rising above all that would try to weigh you down. 

To do that you simply have to look at what you are feeding your spirit with knowingly or unknowingly.  What are you watching on television or in the movie theater?  What are you reading out in the open or in private?  How are you spending your free time?  Who are the people you are hanging out with and what is the influence they have on you?  What are you talking about with those folks? Are you engaged in a life that feeds your spirit or one that depletes it? 

Your skin and your spirit cannot be separated.  You become whatever your expose yourself to. The enemy of your soul is always knocking on the door to your heart and mind because he wants to get in.  Once he’s made it through any opening you give him it is hard to get him out.  A bubble strong enough to hold a force that doesn’t want to be in it is hard to create.  

I know in my life that I need to take the same direction I still give my kids which is, “Don’t answer the door.”  We aren’t expecting anyone so under no circumstances should you open the door.   In fact, I don’t even want you to look through the window to see who is there.  It could be a wolf in sheep’s clothing because the enemy of your soul typically presents himself in a very benign looking way with a plate of cookies to tempt you.  Once you take a bite it’s hard to spit it out.

Paul encouraged the Philippian believers to, “go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society.  Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God.” (Philippians 2:13 The Message)  To enjoy a breath of fresh air and be one in this world requires saying no to a diet of worldly things and saying yes to all the good stuff.  Let sweet little Chase be a reminder to us all that we can choose to be different and still have a bubbly life!  It just takes a little soap and water.