Hover Mother
It’s an interesting Mother’s Day for me this year with two teenagers in the house and more on the way. My youngest recently turned 13 and I can hardly believe it. It didn’t happen overnight, of course, but when you add to that the fact that next year I’ll be living with three teenagers and two other young adults coming and going I’m worn out at just the thought. After my fiancé and I marry I will technically be a “stepmother” which sounds so funny to me. I’ve never known where that title originated from but I’m very familiar with it.
Stepmoms typically get a bad rap in the movies and in fairy tales so I’m not sure I like the title! Someone today asked me how I felt about being a stepmom and I did a double take. It was a legitimate question but we were just out shopping so I wasn’t really prepared for it. The timing was certainly interesting though because right now my “mothering” is in question.
Don’t worry it’s not for any nefarious reason that my parenting is under scrutiny! From the biggest picture perspective you could say that I have a unique opportunity right now to talk about my life as a mother and the hopes and dreams that I have for my children. On the one hand this is very easy because I have so many hopes and dreams for my boys but on the other hand it’s a bit of a challenge. I struggle with anyone questioning that I might not have my children’s best interest in mind all the time. I take my job as a Mom really seriously.
This mindset started from day one and I think back to being pregnant and how I started praying for each one of my boy’s everyday from the moment I knew they were growing in the womb. Much like today I had a list of things I prayed for with each one of them and it was a daily litany. I was committed then, as I am today, to requiring the best of myself as a parent.
What I anticipated, but of course had never experienced, was that being a great parent would require more than you have to give. I knew God’s hand would have to be at work but I had no idea how much. I also wasn’t prepared for the reality that I would feel like a stranger in a strange land as a parent. I guess I thought being a parent was a bit like joining an organization where everyone had the same values. I hate to admit that if I’d really known how much God would allow me to be stretched I never would have ventured out.
One thing I really struggle with as a Mom are those folks on the sidelines of your life that tend to be a lot like armchair quarterbacks. With two autistic kiddos the circle of people that gets involved in your life can be a little bit bigger than it is for most families so you have more quarterbacks. They have a lot of opinions about how you should be raising your kids without sometimes having the practical experience to be qualified to comment. Those sideliners also tend to be very vocal. It’s easy to be outspoken when you don’t know what you’re talking about or have to actually face the player you’re criticizing. From a distance we always feel safe to say rotten things.
I have fairly thick skin but I’m also like a lot of folks. I have a hard time remembering the nice encouraging comments and the barbs stick longer than they should. Don’t you hate that? I do and I know that’s exactly what the enemy of my soul wants. He wants me to really feel those darts to my heart. The dart that is sticking right now is a comment referring to me as a religious fanatic in the way I’m raising my kids.
It’s funny because if you really looked into the meaning of a phrase like that it could be very positive. Typically though if you think of a mother being a “religious fanatic” you’re going to get a picture of a woman with a funky braided hairdo wearing a cotton dress with a lace collar. Her kids would probably be homeschooled and not allowed to play video games. They might even have to eat all their fruits and vegetables whereas mine don’t. Take that picture a little farther and you start to think about compounds out in the middle of Texas or maybe even horses and buggies along with arranged marriages, etc. Now I’m the one stereotyping here but I think you get the picture.
The person making the comment about me was saying that I’m an extremist and I suppose what goes along with that is the opinion that my beliefs are misled or irrational. Rather than say they don’t agree with some of my thinking they’ve chosen to defend their thinking by criticizing mine. That’s a common tactic but is it fair? I don’t think so.
I think it’s more accurate to say that I’m someone with standards. I believe being a parent is a privilege and I didn’t head into my journey as a mother to just be average. I set out and asked the Lord for a chance to make a contribution to His kingdom by hopefully raising some kids that would grow up to be beautiful in heart, capable, Godly, and fulfill the purpose He would have for them.
What I’ve discovered along the way is that this requires a strong commitment to swim against the tide. You have to be willing to disrupt the status quo. Interestingly, in the world today kids seem to know this more than adults. In a recent survey conducted amongst thousands of teens in California those surveyed said that the greatest challenge they face is the breakdown of the family. They saw this as the number one threat to their existence. Add to that list violence, alcohol and other drug abuse, eating disorders, mental health issues, and all the other scary stuff in the world and the list of serious concerns threatening kids is very depressing.
What these kids are saying in this survey is that we live in a messed up world and it starts with messed up families. I don’t think this is a cop out on their part. I think this is teenagers saying they want healthy high functioning parents who care about the important stuff and I want to be one of those.
If that makes me a “religious fanatic” then I guess I will wear that title but in order to do so I’m going to have to look at the positive attributes of those two words joined together. Yes, I seek to be very “thorough and conscientious” as a parent. I’m “enthusiastic” (most of the time) and “I believe in a higher being” that sets a few standards for his children and I want to model those same standards.
When I think about those standards yes - I try to keep the Ten Commandments in mind. Those commandments though are the really the bare minimum for living well together. Instead what I’m more focused on and find really challenging is living and modeling the beatitudes which is that wonderful list of things we should do rather than shouldn’t. Realize the need for God, mourn the things that grieve you, be humble, hunger and thirst for righteousness, have a pure heart, work for peace and be willing to be persecuted for what you believe.
Isn’t that last beatitude so fitting? It’s a reminder to me that I’m going to catch a lot of flak for being a hover mother but it’s worth it. What I need to remember is that opposition is a sign that you’re on the right track. If I’ve learned anything about mothering over the last 15+ years it’s that if it doesn’t hurt you aren’t doing it right. Maybe my spirit is a little hurt in the process when I’m not the popular Mom but clearly the cost is worth the reward. After all, kids aren’t just an inconvenience that you deal with. Kids are something you give your life too.
Maybe you feel the same way I do – committed but tired of having to defend what you think are just the best practices in the world today. If that’s the case perhaps what Jesus said to the disciples to encourage them will encourage you in your life as a parent. Hang in there with me because your Godly kids and mine can make a difference and turn the tide!
“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven.” (Matthew 5:11 NIV)
