When the last specialist I was referred to turned out to be the one with answers I thought it was finally over. Not because he told me I could die if I didn’t take matters seriously. I believed I was done because now I knew what I could do to restore my health. A cure wasn’t possible but remission was with the steps he outlined. This news alone assured me God was taking care of me because I finally had answers to my questions.
I’d had the same mindset when my boys were diagnosed with autism and seen results so I was optimistic. Knowledge is power and God was making sense of things for me. I tackled the challenge of doing what it would take to restore my health and I got better. Not overnight but fairly quickly compared to how long I’d been sick. By this time, I thought the pennies would stop but they didn’t. I rationalized the penny experience continuing the next couple of years simply because so much “change” was going on in my life that I needed the encouragement.
By this time, I thought the pennies would stop but they didn’t. I rationalized the penny experience continuing the next couple of years simply because so much “change” was going on in my life that I needed the encouragement.This last year, however, I can’t say the same thing. My life has been very steady and changing at a pace that feels good. So why with the smooth sailing did I find more than double the number of pennies from the previous year? My logical side wanted to know and Kelly in that moment with our conversation brought me back to the hard lesson learned. I will never figure it out just like I will never figure out lots of other things. More importantly, I’m not supposed to put the time and energy into trying to understand it all.
This is why I got so sick in the first place. I’d worn myself out striving for answers to questions about the burdens I’d been carrying for years. I was anxious, frightened, and continually preoccupied with a relentless series of questions regarding my children, my marriage, and then my health. I lived in a whirlpool of scenes, conversations, and hypothetical outcomes that I could never fully answer. What could I have done differently? Was it my fault? What could I do to change it? How could I protect my children? What was the next step I should take?