My logical thinking side wasn’t letting the experiential intuitive side get a word in edge wise, not to mention God. Any childlike love of a mystery in life was gone. I was so paralyzed by uncertainty my immune system shut down. This created the opportunity for a common virus to run rampant in my body tricking my central nervous system into sending constant pain signals to the left side of my body. I had literally worried myself sick with too much left-brain thinking.
However, finally figuring out why I was sick confused me in terms of the pennies. I equated the answers too trusting God with my questions rather than trusting him through my uncertainties. Yes, I believe God wanted me to put my questions before Him but He was also telling me to just keep walking out in faith when I didn’t have answers. You see, I never find pennies behind me. They are always ahead of me or next to me which is the same with God. He’s walking beside me today and He’s out in front of my tomorrow. Believing Him means I’m aware of that. The pennies aren’t found to tell me to trust Him nearly as much as they are found to re-orient my perspective. To remind me He’s present in my today and already inhabits my tomorrow. I can fear not. Sometimes I will understand how he’s working but other times I will never figure it out. Just like I don’t usually know how the penny got where it did and that has to be okay. If I had the answers to all my questions it wouldn’t be faith it would be logic.
A balance between questioning God and just experiencing God is essential to living without dis-ease. To trust God in your uncertainty then requires shifting your focus from your circumstances back to the nature of God. It’s a prescription in remembering. Remembering his presence in the past so that you can step out into the future without a map to tell you how it’s all going to work out. That’s the full penny lesson. I’m supposed to remember the finds (God’s faithfulness) while facing forward, stepping out, and experiencing the unknown. A penny may or may not be there but God will be.
This is what I finally know not just in head but in my heart after 17, 288 pennies. I hope you can too! Don’t let striving to understand God’s ways interfere with your living in His very real presence today and tomorrow. Worrying yourself sick could cost you a lot more than a penny or two – it could cost you your life. I am forever grateful it didn’t cost me mine. One penny and one day at a time God has proven His trustworthiness to be something I can count on.